We’re going to be playing “Landlord” bingo as well for this one, since that’s a running theme every year. Bonus mockery if they mention “Landlord Database”.

David Dike

Slogan

Like The Dike

Rating

4/10. It's a bit...bleurgh.

Manifesto

Mental Health (You got right to it…)

• To work with the Accommodation and Commercial Services and university faculties to train residential mentors and personal tutors on mental health issues (sensible), whilst introducing procedures to spot mental health issues early on (Will they stop with the meningitis - and yes, I did google the spelling - thing? Is that still going?)

Safety

• To introduce drug purity testing equipment (Wait, what?) at Students’ Union nights in order to prevent death and adverse effects associated with adulterants (Wait, what?) that have recently been experienced throughout the UK (Are you saying that we should start testing the purity of the drugs people are illegally taking?)
• To introduce an Alcohol/Drug Information Facility, which will display harm reduction information (I mean, a lot of the harm is reduced by not using them). Along with this, harm reduction information will be displayed on the reverse of SU night event tickets (replacing the terms and conditions section) (1. Get the hell out of my brackets. 2. You know that the terms and conditions are probably a legal requirement - right?)

Housing (Oooh, here it comes…)

• To set up a Student Tenants’ Union (What?) which will inform tenants of their rights, advise them on housing issues, and resolve conflicts between landlords (DING) and tenants (How? The landlords are well within their rights to ignore you if they so wish)
• To support the creation of a landlord (DING) league table that will be compiled at the end of each academic year (Close enough to Landlord Database). This will encourage landlords to think more about their tenants (Will it?), not just in terms of low rent (Hah), but also with regards to maintenance etc. (Why would they even care?)

Finances

• To support a living wage for all Students’ Union staff. (Are you planning on actively lobbying that?, or just supporting the idea of it?)
• To lobby the government (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) to adapt the Student Finance system (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) so that it accurately represents the costs that students face

Landlord Bingo Score: 2 + 2 for mentioning Landlord Database.

Score: 4/10. I really don’t understand your safety section.

Alexander (Alex) Lumsden

Slogan

Go with the 'fro!

Rating

0/10. REPEATING IS AGAINST THE RULES

Manifesto

Officer elections come and go with ambitious goals and out of touch ideas (Is someone here a politics student?). I am offering an alternative to these – achievable, realistic policies (I think I’ll be the judge of that) that have an impact on student’s lives.

Housing can make or break your student experience. Too many landlords (DING) run shoddy properties maintained to narrowly meet requirements of contracts, with no interests beyond ensuring the next rent payment comes through. I will address this issue through the creation of an online database (DING DING DING DING) where students can upload feedback on their landlords (DING), letting agents, and properties. This will incentivise landlords (DING) to run good properties and allow students to make an informed choice about their house. (HOW DOES A DATABASE HELP ANYONE!?)

Mental health is a key part of your wellbeing and happiness (Meanwhile, Captain Obvious says that a duck is a bird). Work-related stress, loneliness, and mental health problems can have a huge impact on your ability to make the most of your time as a student. I will spearhead an information campaign (Good) to make students more aware of common mental health issues (Good), how to improve personal wellbeing (Good), and where to turn to for help. (Even better)

Students face many challenges (Some of which might be described as “Reading these manifestos”) – academic issues, immigration regulations, money difficulties, and all points in between. The Student Advice Centre currently do an amazing job (High fives all round!), and I want to increase the information available to students about the expert help they can offer (It’s much more entertaining to read that as “I’ll tell the students about the expert health they themselves can offer”), as well as providing more resources to them so that they can help more students. (Students is becoming a non-word again)

I will also work with other officers (So…your job), committees and external organisations to further promote the ‘Good Night Out’ campaign on campus and city-wide.

Landlord Bingo Score: 3 + 2 for Landlord Database

Score: 5/10. Huh. Mostly sensible.

Joseph (Joe) Diviney

Slogan

Fight extortionate student rents and fees!

Rating

0/10. Not a pun.

Manifesto

As a socialist (Hmmm) I’m opposed to all austerity cuts (Implied by the socialist bit) and I’ll fight for free education. I’m a History Councillor and standing for Welfare Officer (You are!?) to build student campaigns (So, you won’t do anything?) to combat the spiralling costs of student transport and housing.

Transport:

• Deregulation of public transport has led to private operators with near monopolies charging what they like without effective consultation or accountability (Actually, I think you’ll find that it’s due to the bureaucratic nature of the Franchise system). The single bus fare for students has increased by 100% since 2011. Sheffield used to be famous for adult bus fares as low as 10p (Was that back when there were shillings? Or back when petrol was under a pound?).
• So, transport should be brought back under public ownership (AHAHAHAHAHAHA) so that prices can be controlled and the quality of services ensured (How are you ever going to manage that?). In the meantime, our Union should lobby Sheffield City Council to implement existing regulatory legislation (If it’s legislation, them not following it must be illegal or something…right?), such as Quality Bus Contracts, to reduce the price of student fares (Just student fares? Maybe we should raise the adult fares instead!).

Housing:

• University Accommodation rents frequently exceed the normal student loan, typically costing over £5,000 (You have numbers to back that up? Because my rough maths says that uni rent is about 45 weeks at ~£100, so you’re well out). Increasing amounts of money are being extracted (“Jeeves? Bring me the money extractor” “The crowbar sir?” “Yes Jeeves, that’s what I said”) from students: from 2010-2012, unreturned deposits nearly doubled to over £100,000 (Wait, that was 2 years ago. Has it been lowered?). To reduce these financial burdens, the Student Union should demand (Petulantly) that the University institute a rent cap in Halls of Residence. (To which the University will respond with “Meh, sod you”)
• In the private sector, shoddy housing, rip-off admin fees and unaccredited landlords (DING) could be circumvented by setting up a Student Union run lettings agency (Already a thing) . A recent referendum at York University (But York smelllllllllllls) voted overwhelmingly in favour of one. Initially funded through the University’s unallocated reserves (I’m assuming that you’ve seen evidence of that), all surplus money should be reinvested into the Union. (I have a feeling that would be financially reckless)

Landlord Bingo Score: 1. No mention of database gets you a bonus point

Score: 4/10. I’m impressed that you didn’t use the word Socialist more. I thought that word was all the rage.

Gabrielle Binnie

Slogan

Don't worry... vote Gabi

Rating

1/10. I will worry. Because Gabi and worry don't even half rhyme._{Future Patrick now realises the pun was to use Don't Worry Be Happy, and admonishes past Patrick}

Manifesto

Hi, I’m Gabi Binnie, a final-year undergraduate Biomedical Science student (STOP RUINING MY JOKE DAMMIT). I am committed to student welfare (That’s good. Imagine if you weren’t) and have been an Intro Week Representative, campus tour guide, student mentor, secretary for the Biomedical Science Student/Staff Committee and a barmaid! (Wow!)

I enjoy supporting University events by going to SuTCo plays, Sabercats showcases and Union nights out. (You didn’t mention USELESS. You’ve alienated a good portion of the pun crowd)

I’m proud of our Union (And it’s proud of you!) and agree it’s the best in the country (Awww, thanks!)- but it isn’t perfect (Oh.). If elected I promise to play my part to try and make it that way.

IF ELECTED I WILL: (Shout. A lot.)

TACKLE ISSUES WITH LANDLORDS (DING)

• Create a forum for students to share accommodation tips, advice and experiences (Any particular reason they can’t use normal forums?)
• Design a landlord rating-system (DING DING DING DING)
• Encourage landlords (DING) to sign a pledge on student-treatment (The last time students got someone to sign a pledge, that didn’t go well did it?)
• Ensure students have advice and information about lettings earlier (What, in the first month of University?), before starting house hunting (“Jeeves! The hounds are away! Follow the house!”)

ENHANCE THE WELFARE OF STUDENTS (Does that even make sense?)

• Campaign for a department-wide protocol (Not university wide then…) on dealing with mental health and other welfare concerns
• Improve the welfare of students dealing with bereavement by creating support groups (Hmmm) and making it easier to find resources (How?)
• Help students manage homesickness by hosting “home-from-home” events (What?)

SUPPORT THE UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICE

• Promote more liaison (Fancy word) between the Health Service, Dyslexia/Disability service and academic departments to streamline services and help students get the support they need
• Create a health advice wall in the union (I’m sorry, but I’m not taking advice from a wall. That way madness lies)

TO ENSURE THAT YOUR VOICE IS HEARD (If elected I will to ensure that your voice is heard?)

• Create a weekly slot where Union officers will be publicly present in the Union for discussion with students (Good!)
• Make it easier to see what your Officers have achieved (APPLAUSE)

Landlord Bingo Score: 2 + 2 for mentioning the database

Score: 5/10. Not too dumb.

To the Sports!

Nicholas (Nic) Wood

Slogan

Tick for Nic!

Slogan

8/10. Well played sir!

Manifesto

Firstly, I want to introduce a SU-wide sponsorship scheme for clubs (Didn’t that…fizzle?). This would include the use of society discount/loyalty cards that provide discounts and deals on food and drink in all Student’s Union venues. Previous attempts at SU sponsorship of clubs have not gone far enough (AND NEITHER DOES THIS!) and this scheme would provide better deals and incentives for sports clubs to make the most of the facilities available in their student’s union (So…just the shops?).

Secondly, I would work with Sport Sheffield to provide a better deal for sports clubs in the face of rising costs. I would like to introduce free fitness classes (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) for all club sport members. This would be a great way to improve team fitness throughout the season and in preparation for varsity without increasing club membership fees (won’t doing this mean that costs will rise to get these free classes to exist?).

Most importantly, I want to break down barriers and misconceptions people have regarding joining sports clubs (What if my misconception is that I’m good at sports?). Sport Sheffield has done amazing work promoting the #thisgirlcan campaign (That was them?) and I want to continue this and encourage more women to take part in sport at university (Awesome). I also want to encourage more international students to play sport during their time in Sheffield (Even better). To achieve these goals I would work with other SU Officers (So… do your job?) to encourage participation in sport across the whole of campus, including better representation of other groups typically underrepresented in the Student’s Union – LGBT and BME students especially deserve proper support and I would provide that in my role as Sports Officer (Good man). Sport at university should bring people together, not divide them! (Unless you support Hallam or whoever our rivals are)

Score: 5/10

Robert Moran

Slogan

Give Rob the Job

Slogan

5/10. I was going to give you 8 but then I realised that I'd added the exclaimation mark. Removing it made the pun look sad. Nobody likes a sad pun.

Manifesto

I’m Rob Moran (and I’m an alcoholic?) and I want to be your next Sports Officer (DAMMIT). I’m very involved in UoS sport (Good thing for a sports officer to be), playing Intra Mural Hockey and Football for the Politics and English Societies respectively and having helped found the UoS Baseball Club I now sit on its inaugural committee (Literally? Please tell me you literally sit on the other committee).

I want to offer more assistance to those setting up and managing new sports clubs (Do we need more? What’s not covered?). Founding a club has given me a great understanding of the difficulties faced by all new clubs and I want to support them and simplify the process (I’m assuming it’s more complicated that the Society one where you just ask “Can I make a society?”) for anyone setting up and running a club.

Working with Hallam to establish more Varsity events (Oh good, they’re our rivals) is another of my priorities. We currently have sports clubs without an equivalent at Hallam (How many? Is one of the your new Baseball club? Are they the only ones?) and their members miss out on the Varsity experience. I’d encourage Hallam to set up clubs for these sports so more students can experience Varsity.

I’d also improve Sport Sheffield response times (something something bleep test). It regularly takes over a week for email replies and to release money from a club’s bank account. I want to help everyone get a response within 48hours (How? By standing in their office saying “Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnswer”?) and to drastically reduce the time it takes to release a club’s funds.

Sport at the university should be publicised more in the second semester (Won’t people then have missed out on 3 months training?). Clubs should offer reduced fees for those who want to join after Christmas (sensible) and I would establish a second Sports Fair in February (Oh good, because the February Society fairs aren’t at all crowded) so that exchange students and those who missed the first one can still discover all of the amazing sports we offer.

#GiveRobTheJob (NOBODY USES HASH TAGS)

Score: 4/10. At least you’re reaching for the stars.

Charlie Joe Wright

Slogan

Your Wright to Sport

Slogan

8/10. What I love about this is you could argue that he's used the wrong "Your", and it would still work. Very impressive.

Manifesto

Having played Rugby Union here for 4 years (Shouldn’t you also have been studying?), I know Sport at Sheffield is about being a member, not a customer, and that the more you put in, the more you get out. I want to help you achieve your personal goals (And I’ve wandered into a hypnotist’s ad) by providing opportunities to keep fit and healthy, whichever way suits you best (what if no way suits me best?); in an environment where every achievement counts.

Your relationship with Sheffield (Something something take it to the next level) - Building stronger links with local clubs and schools is a priority (Oh good, I’m sure that the joys of DBS checks will be great and worthwhile). More should be done (This is more. So it should be done) to encourage students to engage with the Sheffield community, taking advantage of the wealth of sport the city has to offer.

Find a Friend - Getting involved can be even easier - I want a buddy (Don’t we all)scheme dedicated to those individuals joining a sports team mid-semester, to help keep up with training and make sure that new members feel included in the club culture.

Grassroots Opportunities - Provide Sport Sheffield members with the chance to gain coaching qualifications (Good idea), so they can give back to the rest of the sporting community by sharing knowledge at all levels of ability (Even my crappy level of ability? SOLD).

‘All Weather’ means ‘All Weather’ (and this tautology is a tautology)- Covering the 3G pitches in the evenings and during adverse weather conditions will ensure that the surface is usable all year round. (WHY THE HELL ISN’T THIS ALREADY DONE!?)

Recognition of Participation - We need more commitment from the Union to keep all students updated with the fantastic hard work and results that everyone achieves each week (That sounds like people will start getting awards that say “Well done. You participated), with more publication reaching the wider university community.

YOUR WRIGHT TO SPORT (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 5/10. Several point lost for the schools section. DBS can be a ballache.

Felicity (Flic) Wilbraham

Slogan

Tick Flic 4 Sport!

Slogan

4/10. One point lost for repeating, one point for using a 4. That just proves you must be disturbed.

Manifesto

I’m Flic (And I’m an alcoholic?), a third year Biomed student (DAMMIT) and I would love to be your new Sports Officer. I’ve been heavily involved in university sport over the last 3 years (I’m glad that’s the case) and have had a range of uni sporting experiences. I play hockey and squash, and have been treasurer on the squash committee for the past 2 years (Do treasurers for sports societies actually do anything? They mostly don’t in the Activities world…). This year, I coach at the social sport squash sessions, captain the girls’ 1st squash team and play Intra Mural hockey.

My policies:

• Competitive matches against other unis for non-BUCS (BUCS?) players

Organising matches against other nearby unis for those who aren’t on a BUCS (Be Universally Cool Socially?) team for their chosen sport or those who do a sport where there is no BUCS (Bring Up Child Snakes?) team.

• Wednesday afternoons ARE for SPORT (Or in my case, for work. But different strokes)

Encourage (Just encourage?) departments not to timetable lectures or labs on Wednesday afternoons to allow everyone to participate in sport or other activities.

• Publicity

Sports clubs being aware of other sports clubs events’ to encourage more support (I misread that last word as sport. The sentence is then infinitely better). Meetings could be held with club captains to discuss upcoming events. (I’m sure they’ll all want to)

Forge to cover all sports played at uni (Don’t they do that already?). This will also encourage more people to get involved in sport. (Oh god. Does the word Sport mean anything anymore?)

• Lower match transport costs

Teams travelling to the same unis for matches should be able to share transport to lower costs for each club. (Wait, they can’t do that already!?)

• Injury support/rehabilitation services

More accessible support through the University. (Well, if you’re injured you do need accessible support…)

• Encourage links with Sport Sheffield

Try (just try?) to incorporate subsidised gym membership for those who also pay membership to Club Sport.

• Win Varsity

Goes without saying, this city is ours! (Yeah! Let’s go and sport the sports!)

Score: 5/10

No strong feelings about these people. The Sports officer never really affected me.

I feel like mocking the International Offiers is possibly just mean. But I signed up for it, so…

Alina Schumacher

Slogan

Driving Cultural Exchange

Slogan

0/10. Obviously.

Manifesto

My name is Alina Schumacher (and I’m an alcoholic?) and I am studying for an MA in English Literature (DAMMIT). As your International Students’ Officer I want to drive drive cultural exchange in three ways - involving both international and home students on and off campus:

Firstly, I want to create a guide to English university culture (that does sound nice). I found that during my studies at English universities I relied heavily on new friends to explain aspects of university life (like what? Endless peer pressure to drink? Something something mindless sex?) to me which, for home students, might be self-evident. I want to provide a Students’ Union guidebook for International Students on academic regulations (hell, even the home students want that), sports clubs, societies, activities, and nights out.

Secondly, I want to continue the work of my predecessors regarding the Post-Study Work Visa (admirable). Targeting international students in order to reduce immigration issues is completely counter-productive (I mean, I agree with the sentiment but you can’t deny that it’s easier to get rid of people who you actually know are there…). I want to work closely with my counterparts at other universities and the NUS (rather you than me) in order to build a united voice for the reintroduction of the visa scheme.

Finally, I have previously studied on ERASMUS (wait, you can do ERASMUS as an international student!?), which made me incredibly excited to see all the ERASMUS work done here at Sheffield. However, a common fear I have noticed is the anxiety of not knowing anyone in the country you are going to. I want to introduce a “Tinder”-style system (Erm…) where students departing for a year abroad can get in touch (Must…avoid…obvious…joke) with other students from Sheffield leaving for the same country and international students currently at Sheffield in order to limit fears (If you know what I mea- DAMMIT), initiate conversations (If you know what I mean- DAMMIT) and improve the cultural exchange (If you know wh- you get the idea) taking place on a Year Abroad.

Score: 5/10. You were doing really well, until your last two sentences.

Denise (DeeDee) Borgstrom

Slogan

InDEEstructible & DEEtermined to support you!

Slogan

6/10. I feel that making the "dee" into capitals makes the pun a bit too obvious.

Manifesto

Hi, I’m DeeDee (and I’m an alcoholic?). I am an international student (DAMMIT), having lived and studied in Finland, Australia (g’day) and the UK, I’m fully aware of the difficulties and barriers that can be faced (Just in general? “Jeeves? I can’t seem to leave the house” “Oh no sir. There’s a barrier there” “Ah, right. Carry on”). This makes me all the more determined to support you and make your experience in Sheffield and the UK as unforgettable as possible.

As your International Officer I would:

• Contend (Contenders…READY! Gladiators…READY!) for the university to create fixed tuition fees for overseas students (doesn’t the government set that?). At the moment international students’ fees go up every year; in line with inflation.
• Lobby the government (That’s better) on reintroducing the post-study work visa and removing international students from net migration figures. International students should be looked upon as temporary migrants (as they are in Australia, Canada and the USA) (OI! These are my brackets), which means they would no longer be subject to immigration policies (Possibly sensible).
• Continue the ‘Equal Access’ campaign (the what now?) to ensure that asylum seekers and refugees have equal access to higher education (What, just with each other? “I grow tired of these asylum seekers having better access to higher education. Let the refugees have a better chance for this month”). At the moment they pay international student fees and have no access to student loans or grants.
• Work closely with other officers (So…do your job) to co-organise events and activities that include all religious, cultural and social backgrounds (Good idea). It may be difficult for some students to take part in sports and other activities for religious reasons (Fair point). For example, introducing women-only sport sessions could be one of many ways by which to make sports and activities accessible to a wider range of students (Woah there. Are you saying that some people need women’s only sport sessions? Because in context, that seems to be saying “We’ll hide the women away from those who don’t want to see them for religious reasons”).

If you’d like to see these policies become a reality, vote for DeeDee! (I sincerly hope you made that internal rhyme on purpose)

Score: 5/10. Not too bad

Pei Qi Lim (Peggy Lim)

Slogan

The Sky's No LIM-it with Peggy

Slogan

8/10. Glorious. The capitals do ruin it though.

Manifesto

Hello (Hi!)! My name is Peggy Lim Pei Qi, an international student from Malaysia (Dammit, you ruined the joke). I’m currently a third year law student. I could barely speak English when I arrived in Sheffield during my first year (Most of the residents can’t either). However, I have bravely stepped out of my own comfort zone, met new friends and involved in activities and committees at the Union. Because of that move, I am currently actively involved in the Union and my English (I hope you mean “Yorkshire”) and understanding of different cultures has definitely improved.

If elected, I would assure that there will always be:

(1) No LIMit (You don’t need the capitals) to campaigning for international students’ rights (Will there be a limit to the success of those campaigns though?)

• I would be the voice of the international community (The entire community? Even France?), actively campaign for the welfare and rights of international students

(2) No LIMit (No really, you don’t need the capitals) to participation & employability

• I would organise monthly mini activities fair (Yeah, that won’t end well) to encourage the participation of international students, so it would never be too late for students such as postgraduates and Erasmus students to get involved

• I would work closely with the University Careers Service, to help international students with their job applications

(3) No LIMit (Please stop) to languages & cultures

• I would promote the Tandem Language Learning Scheme (the what now?), allowing students to meet new friends, whilst learning the languages and cultures of one another (that’s actually a nice idea)

• I would like our Union to celebrate festivals of different countries (don’t they do that at the moment?) to make international students feel at home when they are in UK

Please vote Peggy as your International Students’ Officer! Come and fly with Peggy (I assume that’s a reference I don’t get), remember there will never be any LIMITS! (ARGH)

Score: 7/10. Nice ideas

Ana-Gabriela Popa

Slogan

ANA, YOUR CHOICE FOR INTERNATIONAL VOICE

Slogan

0/10. Non-existant, and shouty.

Manifesto

My name is Ana-Gabriela Popa (and I’m an alcoholic?) and I am a practical, values-driven, and motivated International student (DAMMIT).

Why do I want to run for International Students Officer?

Because I believe in challenging the status quo and shaping mentalities. (I didn’t realise that was part of being the International Officer)

Why should you vote for me?

1) Integration (Maths integration? Please be that)

I will celebrate the cultural and national societies of our Union (do we have even have those? I know there’s a couple but are there really that many?) whilst also implementing a Buddy-Mentoring scheme that will facilitate integration between Home and International students. (I bet that loads will sign up and forget about it)

2) Intersectional Representation

I will campaign against unfair government immigration policies (sensible) as well as fighting against prejudices rooted in the cultural perceptions around Islamophobia (Are you saying that the cultural perception of Islamophobia is incorrect? Because I hope most people are against it) or disabled/LGBT/BME students.

I will support Mature and Part-time International students whose voices are rarely heard, by including them in open debates (Sounds good) or prospective activism (Does that even mean anything?).

3) Listening

I want to support International students. I will listen to your complaints, queries and feedback. I want to make international voices heard, especially if they are part of a minority which feels that is under-represented (I bet some idiot will go with “I’m a minority! I own land and have 4 million in the bank!”). And I want to support international students through the difficult process of moving to a new country and the mental illnesses/ homesickness associated with it. (Good)

Why am I qualified to be a great ISO?

• 2 years of involvement in the International Students’ Committee (Member – 2013/2014, European Representative – 2014/2015)

• 2 years of involvement in AIESEC (Member – 2013/2014, Vice-President of Marketing 2014/2015)

• Student Ambassador for Learning and Teaching (Politics) – 2014/2015

I am the best choice for International voice, because I have the passion and ideas to do it, so vote Ana for International Students’ Officer!

Score: 6/10. Sensible options.

Nobody here is suggesting dumb things. This is a welcome relief after the Education Officers.

Education Officer time!

Peter (Pete) David

Slogan

Back The Beard!

Slogan

-5/10. REPETITION. NO.

Manifesto

I am passionate about the possibilities (So…just the possibilities? There’s no studies or anything like that?) of a democratic approach to education. I want Sheffield to be a place (It already is a place) where citizenship is fostered (but not adopted), and space for an active, participatory (isn’t that implied by the word active) democracy runs through our education policy (we have a policy!?). This principle should feature in every aspect of our learning, from module content to interdisciplinary study to finding new ways of learning (because sod the old ones). Here are my policies: (You mean they aren’t ice cream cones?)

A Democratic Education at Sheffield (What if I want a dictatorship education?)

Create opportunities for students and departmental societies to organise and challenge existing learning models (I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! I shall learn to count to one hundred through interpretive dance!). To enable students to pursue new methodologies (isn’t Sheffield already a research led university?), new ways of learning, confront outdated assumptions (how about the assumption that this isn’t already done?) and influence the creation of new module subjects (Jeeves, get me the module list for next year. Oh no man, this won’t do, let’s ask a student what should be on there. The physics of balloons you say? Genius! Ten points to Gryffindor!).

To reform AchieveMore (what now?) and our approach to interdisciplinary study (so, engineering using philosophers as pieces of a Newton’s cradle?). To ensure its content and value comes from a continued and meaningful consultation with students (Students don’t know anything! THAT’S WHY THEY’RE STUDENTS).

To build an accountable model of module feedback (What’s unaccountable about the current model?), ensuring students’ concerns and suggestions are taken seriously (aren’t they?).

Unheard Voices

To provide greater academic and personal support to part-time students (nice idea), giving them an education which works around their life (Erm, you don’t have the power to do that…).

A stronger voice for postgraduate students. More support on career development for postgrads (do they get less support than undergrads or something?) and a stronger voice in the Union (most of them don’t care. They’ve realised the Union is a bit of a worthless placee). Better training and support for PhD students who are involved in teaching.

I grew up in Sheffield (ey up) and I know the civic values of this University, and I worry that they’re being eroded by marketisation (what does that even mean!?). I don’t want our education experience to be a transaction (It is. You pay the university money, they teach you stuff), but a community in which citizenship and the principles of this civic institution are rediscovered.

Score: -2/10. Come on man, a lot of that is pointless.

Minesh Parekh

Slogan

#Min4TheWin - Vote Minesh for Education

Rating

0/10. You could have just gone with Vote Min 4 The Win and you'd be on 5/10.

Manifesto

Hi! My name’s Minesh (and I’m an alcoholic?) and I’m running to be your Education Officer (DAMMIT). Education has the power to change lives (it also has the power to destroy them. I feel like this is the beginning of a B movie), but there are still many things that can be done to improve it, and to make it free and accessible to all (which evidently isn’t an improvement). This is my Mineshfesto (Go die in a fire)!

❶ (Oh look at you, fancyman with your unicode characters) No Hidden Costs (I think I’ve wondered into a Quick Cash Loan ad accidentally again)

• Printing should be free for all students (Meanwhile, in San This Will Get Abused Francisco…)

• No to exam re-sit fees (Say no to them all you like. They’ll still exist)

• Free dissertation & thesis binding (Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

• Enough copies of key texts to be provided by the university (Ahahahahahahahahahahaha)

❷ Free Education (FREE EDUCATION! FOR TOO LONG HAS HE BEEN LOCKED UP WHILE THATCHER CALLED HIM A TERRORIST)

• Fight for free education on a local and national level (MMA style I’m assuming)

• Integrated Masters’ Degrees across the board to make postgraduate study more accessible (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

• Lobby for living grants for all students (An actual lobby filled with living grants is more realistic than what you propose)

❸ A Better University

• Better representation so your voices are heard (How are we underrepresented?)

• Improve the feedback system by supporting PhD staff with better wages and paid training (How does that improve the feedback system!?)

• More transparent university structures and democratic decision-making (What? How does that help?)

• Printers in university accommodation (Oh my goodness, an actual SENSIBLE policy. Did you fall down the stairs before writing that?)

Vote Minesh For Education – #Min4TheWin (Nobody uses hashtags. Nobody)

Score: -5/10. Wow. Just, how are you ever going to do any of that.

If I were a student at Shef Uni, I’d RON the shit out of this position. Neither of them are sensible.

Development Officer time!

Georgia Nolan-Rose

Slogan

There is no one university experience

Rating

0/10. FFS people. It's not hard to pun when you have a last name of Rose. "Everything's coming up Roses". "Line them all up in Rose".

Manifesto

Hi I’m Georgia (and I’m an alcoholic?); I’m an English Literature student (dammit!) and I want to be your Student union development officer.

As your Student union development officer, I will work to improve the university experience for all students (Wonderful). I understand that people come to university from all different walks of life and as such, I aim to increase the amount of live music nights (Wow. That sounds fun) and other non-clubbing evening events offered at the union (Have you told TSC about that yet? Because they’re going to love you for that).

As part of my goal to improve your university experience, I intend to accredit (Wooooo! I’ve not seen that verb before. Top marks) students more for their creative talents. I will, therefore, pursue Jack Wyse’s prior objectives to create an area for busking and street art hoarding. (And how well did that go last time? I’m guessing not very)

As well as working to improve your university experience, I will ensure that students have complete consumerist (You’re doing well with your big words) free will by being properly informed about the products they buy from the Union. I strongly believe that it is your right as consumers to know exactly what you are buying and as such, am running a campaign (Is that as part of your current life, or what you’ll do as part of Development Officer?) to include animal welfare standards in the union’s food labelling policy. (Good. Because if there’s one thing the Union needed, it was more beaurocratic bullshit)

In addition to implementing my own campaign, I will work with the ‘Zero campus food waste’ group to ensure that the minimum amount of unsold food items are put to waste (THAT’S ALREADY A THING. THE UNION MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT!). Also, I will continue the support ‘People and Planet’ (who?) have received for their ‘Fossil free’ campaign. (the what now?)

Score: 4/10. I’ve heard worse.

Isaac Stovell

Slogan

NOVEL STOVELL: refreshing our SU

Rating

5/10 or 7/10. Depending on whether it's the boring novel as in "new"/"book" or a weird pronounciation of novel because Stovell is pronounced Sto-vell.

Manifesto

We’re lucky to have the best SU in the UK (Thanks!), but there’s always room for improvement (Awwww)! As development officer, I’ll work with the university and other officers (Well done for saying you’ll do your bloody job) to make it something Sheffield students can be even prouder of. (The grammar of that statement seems a bit off…)

GREEN IS GOOD! (Green is not a creative colour)

Environmental issues are the struggle of our generation (Eh), so we need to explore creative new ways (I was worried that you were going to suggest creative old ways instead) of making the SU sustainable. I will reduce our carbon footprint (Really?) and improve energy efficiency (Really?). Incentivising eco-habits can also help tackle unnecessary waste (Well done you) – e.g. discounts for taking reusable cups to Coffee Revs (Nice idea. Look forward to Coffee Revs agreeing with you) or bowls New Leaf (I’ve decided to read that as if it were a cricket match. “And here he comes, New Leaf takes a swi- AND THAT’S A CATCH AT SLIP ON!”). I will also lobby the university to drop its investments (roughly £3,000,000) (HEY! THOSE BRACKETS ARE MINE. GET OUT) in fossil fuel companies (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).

WORKERS, RIGHT?

Far too many people, in the UK and worldwide, aren’t paid enough to properly get by on (Oh my heart strings). I will see that our products are fairly traded (How are you going to do that!?), and that the SU’s lowest-income earners are given an adequate wage. (I thought that this battle had been on going for the past 3 years. And nothing has happened)

STEEL CITY

Having grown up in Sheffield (Ey up), I know there are many exciting businesses and institutions routinely ignored by the ‘uni bubble’ (BUUUUUUUUUUUUUBLLLLLEEESS). Most of us pass Weston Park Museum almost daily, but how many have visited? I’m committed to making it easier for these local organisations (How?) to connect and collaborate with the university population. This would help the SU grow roots in the community it’s in (Hasn’t that been a thing for ages?), and hugely enrich students’ cultural life in the city.

I’ve got over two years’ experience already making practical change happen through campaigns and committees (THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION THEM!?). To see these and other good ideas work, VOTE NOVEL STOVELL!

Score: 3/10 or 4/10. Pun dependent.

George Truman

Slogan

One Union With Truman

Slogan

2/10. Truman does not rhyme with Union. Bad George.

Manifesto

Hello (Hi!)! I’m George Truman (and I’m an alcoholic?), a second year law student (DAMMIT), and I’m hoping to be your next Development Officer. The underlying message of my campaign is to maintain our status as the number ONE students’ union, and to further develop ONE (ONE!) inclusive (well that’s not very inclusive), diverse (or diverse) union for postgraduates, undergraduates and part-time students. One Union with Truman. The following points outline my policies and values: (You mean they aren’t codes to get free things from the university? YOU DECEIVING CAD)

1. I am a firm believer in ethical investment, and will continue to support the Fossil Free Sheffield Campaign (What the hell is this campaign? Why does everyone care?) if elected.
2. I want to press for further integration with our local community, building relationships between ourselves, local businesses (like who?) and charities. This could result in sponsorship of our societies (you know that’s already a thing, right?), and opportunities for students to volunteer (already a thing) and gain work experience (So…interns?).
3. I want to bring Monday nights out to the Union (Oh good. I was wondering what to do with my Mondays), but bigger (shouldn’t that be in CAPITALS) and better than before (was it ever a thing before?)! Many societies hold socials on Mondays, but the options for final venue are lacking (Really? They are? I don’t know anyone who does). I also believe that we should be attracting bigger (CAPITALS dammit!) names to our Union for fresher’s week. Other universities manage it, why can’t we! (Surely that should be an interrobang)
4. I plan to encourage student enterprise through an increase in the number of stalls at the Student Union market (the what now?), which would give you the opportunity to demonstrate your entrepreneurialism (Look at me! I’m an entrepreneur! Because I make shitty paper planes and sell them in the union). I’m also in favour of introducing business challenges to the Union. (Can it be with gloves and forcing into a duel? I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! Of selling papier mache hats)
5. In addition to this, I would help develop opportunities for students to showcase their individual talents (Oh that sounds nice) and host events (Wonderful). So if you want to set up fashion shows, art exhibitions or musical events, we would facilitate you (you know, those are pretty much already a thing as well)!

Score: 4/10

Isaac Eloi

Slogan

Go With The Fro

Slogan

2/10. How is that a pun? Is it a silent "I"?

Manifesto

I’m Isaac Eloi (and I’m an alcoholic?), a 4th year Law with Spanish student (DAMMIT). I want our Union to serve students even better. Here are my policies below: (Not cupcakes? Dammit)

If elected I will:

COMMUNITY SUSTAINABILITY (I will community sustainability? That makes no sense!)

• Expand the food reuse project into the city by incorporating ALL Union food outlets into the scheme. (Huh, that actually sounds like a good idea)
• Collaborate with Hallam Union (Booooooooo) and Sheffield College to create the “Sheffield Students’ Sustainability Consortium” (That sounds a bit drab too) pledging to reduce food waste and donate food to the homeless.
• Hold Neighbourhood Food Drives (I’m sure they’ll be well attended) at Halloween, before Christmas and just before Easter.

ETHICAL INVESTMENTS

• Get the university to invest in ethical companies instead of unethical ones (How?) which use fossil fuels (Fossil fuels aren’t inherently unethical. Twit).
• Work with the People and Planet Society (Who?) to get more students involved in the divestment (Fancy word) from fossil fuels campaign.

EVENTS LED BY STUDENTS

• Create an Events Committee allowing students to create their OWN (You just got pwned!) events in the Union, the student villages and the city, with the proceeds going to charity (Meh).
• Make events HEARable (What was that? I can’t HEAR you), providing students with employability skills such as leadership, teamwork and organisation. (I don’t get those skills without a piece of paper?)

INCREASED FUNDING + A LIBERATION HUB

• Lobby the University to increase funding for under-represented groups (Not too bad an idea).
• Ensure that these groups have a support space that provides staff support, resources and advice (Also not a bad idea).

My experience:

• Vice-Chair of the BME Students’ Committee
• Councillor for the Students’ Union Council
• Residential Mentor
• LGBT Students’ Committee Officer
• Head of Operations for the first Contours Festival (Hey, I played that!)

These experiences showed me the wide range of issues students face, how to plan events and to strive for equality and sustainability within our Union and University.

Score: 4/10. Meh.

Harry Owens

Slogan

Harry's way is the Owen-ly way

Slogan

7/10 I inwardly groaned.

Manifesto

Your Commercial Services To Finance Your Union:

Did you know that this year the union is expected to lose £250,000 (No. No I did not)? Commercial outlets such as New Leaf and Bar One aim to bring money (I just thought it brought subpar salad and expensive pints of Hobgoblin) into the union and provide a service students enjoy. I want to expand the services the union has to offer and give you the deciding vote on what those services would be (EVERYONE SAYS THAT. EVERY YEAR). The extra revenue generated (You know there’s a start up cost to these new services, right? That will mean that they might struggle to break even. Right?) will help make the union more financially sustainable whilst protecting funding for key union services such as the student advice centre, activities and your societies.

Developing Student Ideas Together:

As this is a students union, I firmly believe it is important all students have an opportunity to make a change to it, in any way and in any area. I want to hear your ideas and to make you a part of the process (That’ll end badly), every step of the way (this is starting to sound like a cheesy pop song), until together (forever, we’re meant to be together) we can bring your idea to life. Constant student input ensures a great idea remains that way (Or as one video might say, TOO MANY COOKS).

Live Music Variety:

The Tuesday Club is an integral part of Sheffield’s house/drum & bass scene (UM TISS UM TISS UM TISS), however I often find myself having to travel out of town to see artists of different genres (Really? I mean, there’s a thriving folk scene, a new indie band show every night… Are you counting “Going to Don Valley Stadium” as out of town?). I believe we can better utilise our exciting spaces as, unlike other venues, our priority is student experience, not profit (wait, so you want lots of services to get money for the Union, but the priority isn’t money? I’m confused). Because of this, I am confident that we can attract a wider variety of artists so everyone can experience the music they love.

Score: 6/10.

Evette Plout

Slogan

Don't forget, vote Evette!

Slogan

8/10. Wonderful. A thing of beauty.

Manifesto

Why Vote Evette? … If elected as your SU Development Officer I will ensure that our No.1 Union stays No.1! (Please tell me you’re going to bribe the judges)

I want to make an inclusive and proactive SU that represents the needs of our diverse student body and addresses all our concerns (EVERY CONCERN. ALL OF THEM).

How?

Reducing our Environmental Footprint

• Create self-service “Juice Stations” (Just what the union needs!) for students to purchase their choice of concentrated orange/blackcurrant (20p*) (HEY! THE BRACKETS ARE MINE) to be diluted with the SU’s free drinking water (what if I don’t want to use that water? Will it explode?), so as to encourage the use of reusable water bottles (or, you know, you could just offer nicer things)
• Encourage the use of reusable water bottles with better promotion of the SU’s water fountains (HOW ARE THEY NOT PROMOTED? THE BASTARDING THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE!)
• Ensure food waste in the SU is significantly reduced and recycled (How?)
• Lobby the university to divest from fossil fuels (How?)
• Significantly reduce paper waste created by the distribution of leaflets (I really hope you handed out posters with this on it)

Creating Relaxed Study Spaces

• Create more sofa/lounge spaces for students to work (Nice idea. Where?)
• Increase awareness of the study spaces for students in the SU (There are study spaces in the union?)

Better Communication

• Introduce IPad stands so students can find out about upcoming events - “What’s On This Week in Your SU” (Oh good, let’s just be real ethical and ask for Apple’s help)
• SU Tree – “Help the SU grow” with an imitation tree placed inside the SU where students can attach their suggestions to the branches (I have no words. No words)

Promoting diversity

• Create a mural that highlights how proud we are of our diverse student body (Where? And who’s going to make it?)
• Support campaigns that fight issues like racism, sexism and xenophobia (Oh good. I did worry that you’d be trying to support racism, sexism and xenophobia)
• Better engagement with underrepresented students/student groups to find out how best to support their experience in the SU (So…do your job?)

If this sounds good to you then … DON’T FORGET, VOTE EVETTE! (Hey, that’s the name of the show!)

Score: 4/10. There are some dumb things in here…