Sheffield University Officer Elections 2015 (Welfare Officer)

We’re going to be playing “Landlord” bingo as well for this one, since that’s a running theme every year. Bonus mockery if they mention “Landlord Database”.

David Dike

Slogan

Like The Dike

Rating

4/10. It's a bit...bleurgh.

Manifesto

Mental Health (You got right to it…)

• To work with the Accommodation and Commercial Services and university faculties to train residential mentors and personal tutors on mental health issues (sensible), whilst introducing procedures to spot mental health issues early on (Will they stop with the meningitis - and yes, I did google the spelling - thing? Is that still going?)

Safety

• To introduce drug purity testing equipment (Wait, what?) at Students’ Union nights in order to prevent death and adverse effects associated with adulterants (Wait, what?) that have recently been experienced throughout the UK (Are you saying that we should start testing the purity of the drugs people are illegally taking?)
• To introduce an Alcohol/Drug Information Facility, which will display harm reduction information (I mean, a lot of the harm is reduced by not using them). Along with this, harm reduction information will be displayed on the reverse of SU night event tickets (replacing the terms and conditions section) (1. Get the hell out of my brackets. 2. You know that the terms and conditions are probably a legal requirement - right?)

Housing (Oooh, here it comes…)

• To set up a Student Tenants’ Union (What?) which will inform tenants of their rights, advise them on housing issues, and resolve conflicts between landlords (DING) and tenants (How? The landlords are well within their rights to ignore you if they so wish)
• To support the creation of a landlord (DING) league table that will be compiled at the end of each academic year (Close enough to Landlord Database). This will encourage landlords to think more about their tenants (Will it?), not just in terms of low rent (Hah), but also with regards to maintenance etc. (Why would they even care?)

Finances

• To support a living wage for all Students’ Union staff. (Are you planning on actively lobbying that?, or just supporting the idea of it?)
• To lobby the government (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) to adapt the Student Finance system (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) so that it accurately represents the costs that students face

Landlord Bingo Score: 2 + 2 for mentioning Landlord Database.

Score: 4/10. I really don’t understand your safety section.

Alexander (Alex) Lumsden

Slogan

Go with the 'fro!

Rating

0/10. REPEATING IS AGAINST THE RULES

Manifesto

Officer elections come and go with ambitious goals and out of touch ideas (Is someone here a politics student?). I am offering an alternative to these – achievable, realistic policies (I think I’ll be the judge of that) that have an impact on student’s lives.

Housing can make or break your student experience. Too many landlords (DING) run shoddy properties maintained to narrowly meet requirements of contracts, with no interests beyond ensuring the next rent payment comes through. I will address this issue through the creation of an online database (DING DING DING DING) where students can upload feedback on their landlords (DING), letting agents, and properties. This will incentivise landlords (DING) to run good properties and allow students to make an informed choice about their house. (HOW DOES A DATABASE HELP ANYONE!?)

Mental health is a key part of your wellbeing and happiness (Meanwhile, Captain Obvious says that a duck is a bird). Work-related stress, loneliness, and mental health problems can have a huge impact on your ability to make the most of your time as a student. I will spearhead an information campaign (Good) to make students more aware of common mental health issues (Good), how to improve personal wellbeing (Good), and where to turn to for help. (Even better)

Students face many challenges (Some of which might be described as “Reading these manifestos”) – academic issues, immigration regulations, money difficulties, and all points in between. The Student Advice Centre currently do an amazing job (High fives all round!), and I want to increase the information available to students about the expert help they can offer (It’s much more entertaining to read that as “I’ll tell the students about the expert health they themselves can offer”), as well as providing more resources to them so that they can help more students. (Students is becoming a non-word again)

I will also work with other officers (So…your job), committees and external organisations to further promote the ‘Good Night Out’ campaign on campus and city-wide.

Landlord Bingo Score: 3 + 2 for Landlord Database

Score: 5/10. Huh. Mostly sensible.

Joseph (Joe) Diviney

Slogan

Fight extortionate student rents and fees!

Rating

0/10. Not a pun.

Manifesto

As a socialist (Hmmm) I’m opposed to all austerity cuts (Implied by the socialist bit) and I’ll fight for free education. I’m a History Councillor and standing for Welfare Officer (You are!?) to build student campaigns (So, you won’t do anything?) to combat the spiralling costs of student transport and housing.

Transport:

• Deregulation of public transport has led to private operators with near monopolies charging what they like without effective consultation or accountability (Actually, I think you’ll find that it’s due to the bureaucratic nature of the Franchise system). The single bus fare for students has increased by 100% since 2011. Sheffield used to be famous for adult bus fares as low as 10p (Was that back when there were shillings? Or back when petrol was under a pound?).
• So, transport should be brought back under public ownership (AHAHAHAHAHAHA) so that prices can be controlled and the quality of services ensured (How are you ever going to manage that?). In the meantime, our Union should lobby Sheffield City Council to implement existing regulatory legislation (If it’s legislation, them not following it must be illegal or something…right?), such as Quality Bus Contracts, to reduce the price of student fares (Just student fares? Maybe we should raise the adult fares instead!).

Housing:

• University Accommodation rents frequently exceed the normal student loan, typically costing over £5,000 (You have numbers to back that up? Because my rough maths says that uni rent is about 45 weeks at ~£100, so you’re well out). Increasing amounts of money are being extracted (“Jeeves? Bring me the money extractor” “The crowbar sir?” “Yes Jeeves, that’s what I said”) from students: from 2010-2012, unreturned deposits nearly doubled to over £100,000 (Wait, that was 2 years ago. Has it been lowered?). To reduce these financial burdens, the Student Union should demand (Petulantly) that the University institute a rent cap in Halls of Residence. (To which the University will respond with “Meh, sod you”)
• In the private sector, shoddy housing, rip-off admin fees and unaccredited landlords (DING) could be circumvented by setting up a Student Union run lettings agency (Already a thing) . A recent referendum at York University (But York smelllllllllllls) voted overwhelmingly in favour of one. Initially funded through the University’s unallocated reserves (I’m assuming that you’ve seen evidence of that), all surplus money should be reinvested into the Union. (I have a feeling that would be financially reckless)

Landlord Bingo Score: 1. No mention of database gets you a bonus point

Score: 4/10. I’m impressed that you didn’t use the word Socialist more. I thought that word was all the rage.

Gabrielle Binnie

Slogan

Don't worry... vote Gabi

Rating

1/10. I will worry. Because Gabi and worry don't even half rhyme._{Future Patrick now realises the pun was to use Don't Worry Be Happy, and admonishes past Patrick}

Manifesto

Hi, I’m Gabi Binnie, a final-year undergraduate Biomedical Science student (STOP RUINING MY JOKE DAMMIT). I am committed to student welfare (That’s good. Imagine if you weren’t) and have been an Intro Week Representative, campus tour guide, student mentor, secretary for the Biomedical Science Student/Staff Committee and a barmaid! (Wow!)

I enjoy supporting University events by going to SuTCo plays, Sabercats showcases and Union nights out. (You didn’t mention USELESS. You’ve alienated a good portion of the pun crowd)

I’m proud of our Union (And it’s proud of you!) and agree it’s the best in the country (Awww, thanks!)- but it isn’t perfect (Oh.). If elected I promise to play my part to try and make it that way.

IF ELECTED I WILL: (Shout. A lot.)

TACKLE ISSUES WITH LANDLORDS (DING)

• Create a forum for students to share accommodation tips, advice and experiences (Any particular reason they can’t use normal forums?)
• Design a landlord rating-system (DING DING DING DING)
• Encourage landlords (DING) to sign a pledge on student-treatment (The last time students got someone to sign a pledge, that didn’t go well did it?)
• Ensure students have advice and information about lettings earlier (What, in the first month of University?), before starting house hunting (“Jeeves! The hounds are away! Follow the house!”)

ENHANCE THE WELFARE OF STUDENTS (Does that even make sense?)

• Campaign for a department-wide protocol (Not university wide then…) on dealing with mental health and other welfare concerns
• Improve the welfare of students dealing with bereavement by creating support groups (Hmmm) and making it easier to find resources (How?)
• Help students manage homesickness by hosting “home-from-home” events (What?)

SUPPORT THE UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICE

• Promote more liaison (Fancy word) between the Health Service, Dyslexia/Disability service and academic departments to streamline services and help students get the support they need
• Create a health advice wall in the union (I’m sorry, but I’m not taking advice from a wall. That way madness lies)

TO ENSURE THAT YOUR VOICE IS HEARD (If elected I will to ensure that your voice is heard?)

• Create a weekly slot where Union officers will be publicly present in the Union for discussion with students (Good!)
• Make it easier to see what your Officers have achieved (APPLAUSE)

Landlord Bingo Score: 2 + 2 for mentioning the database

Score: 5/10. Not too dumb.