What is this?
In 2015, I went through each of the candidates for each of the elections for the University of Sheffield’s Student Union elections and gave a running commentary in text form. I primarily did this because I was bored. I didn’t get told to stop doing it, so I’m going to keep going.
Who are you?
Hi! I’m Patrick Rose. I’m a web developer who lives in Sheffield, and a part time folk singer, guitarist and caller. I was a student at the University of Sheffield between 2010 and 2014.
Why are you doing this?
For a few reasons:
- Student Politics is hilariously terrible. It’s kind of sad, but the truth of the matter as I see it is that people who were officers in my first year did nothing that survived the year after. Or even the year after that.
- Most of the things that people write in these manifestos are things that are good ideas in theory, but won’t work in practice. I think this should be pointed out.
- Most importantly, writing this is entertaining for me.
Something I want to make explicitly clear is that none of this is about mocking the candidates or of the roles they’re running for. This is about mocking the manifestos, it’s about the words that they use, and how ill-thought out a lot of them are. I literally copy and paste these manifestos and riff as I go. I’m not watching videos, looking at posters, or even really looking at their picture on the site.
I also want to again point out that this is a farce, but in my opinion it’s a necessary one. Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather (which is a book I believe everyone should read) has this exchange between Susan and Death which is perfect:
“All right,” said Susan. “I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need… fantasies to make life bearable.”
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
“Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—”
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
“So we can believe the big ones?”
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
“They’re not the same at all!”
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME…SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
“Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—”
MY POINT EXACTLY.
Most of the time, we don’t care about the real politics of this country. I maintain it’s because we have to deal with this nonsense every year. What sets the Lib Dems, Tories, Labour etc candidates apart from this, apart from the fact they have money and what they do will have a lasting impact?