Development officer time! Today’s special bonus round is “Food Waste”!

Post

Development

Areas of remit

Business | Finance | Innovation

Description

• Campaigning to make the University and our Students' Union more sustainable
• Ensuring the Students' Union is technologically developing based on students' needs
• Feeding students' demands into the financial governance of the Students' Union, for example by redesigning the way committees' budgets are set

Michael Kind

Slogan

1 of A Kind

Rating

4/10: A bit unimaginative, though at least you tried

Manifesto

I’ve been lucky enough to be involved with a lot of what our Student’s Union has to offer. I’ve been a part of People and Planet’s successful fossil fuel divestment campaign (Dammit, I should’ve given a point for this one), and helped to start and run the Save Our Sandwiches (FOR TOO LONG HAVE THEY BEEN SHACKLED IN OUR SHOPS) initiative - saving 10,000 items of food from waste in one year alone!

Here’s what I want to achieve:

Sustainability

Eliminate food waste from SU shops and events, ensuring that any unsold/uneaten food is redistributed to the those in need. (I’m fairly certain that’s already a thing)

Conduct a review of Student Union produce to ensure that food miles and carbon impact are kept to a minimum. (… What?)

Continue to support the Fossil Free campaign (Secondary ding!), challenging the power that the fossil fuel companies (Do they really have that much power?) have in our University.

Install ‘food saving’ fridges across campus, providing students with a place to share leftover/unused food (Oh god, that’s so going to go wrong. I look forward to Health and Safety getting their hands on that), preventing waste and saving money for everybody (Except for the person buying all that extra food).

Worker’s Rights

Work to ensure that all University and Union staff members receive a living wage (Good aims, though I think you’ll be ignored).

Promote healthy work culture in the SU by ensuring longer breaks for staff (How long do they currently get?).

Support the Sweatshop Free campaign, by convincing the University to purchase electronics equipment from ethical suppliers (Actually, it’s about ethics in electronics).

Amplifying Student Voices (I CAN’T HEAR YOU!)

Work to ensure that societies and student initiatives can easily access the extra funding that is available to them, by providing clear information and guidance (Noble aims).

Organise a series of workshops on current issues (Who decides what’s current?), so that students are empowered to hold our University accountable for its actions.

Hold a forum (Those sound heavy) where students can voice concerns directly to University management.

Score: 5/10. I don’t even think I dislike you…

Ashwin Chithraveni Ashok

Slogan

Your vision, my mission!

Rating

0/10: THAT'S NOT A PUN ON YOUR NAME STOP IT

Manifesto

Why me? (You’re not the one reading these manifestos)

To make a change that brings out the best in students and in student’s union. (I’ll be the judge of that)

As your SU Development Officer, I would:

Implement Student’s Union Scholarships for the students who are actively involved in the activities of SU (Who’s going to pay for that!?).

Free printing in student’s union. (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Night out and GIAG Rewards Card: Students will be given points for the purchases that they make through the box office or website and these points can be redeemed for the purchases made in SU. (…)

Better options in International/Vegan/Vegetarian food menus will be easily available in the outlets in SU. (I can’t understand this sentence. I’m assuming you’re saying increase the Vegan/Vegetarian)

A customized mini supermarket in SU where students can suggest their own items and it will be made available to purchase for a reasonable price at the earliest (Who defines reasonable? What if I want Nestle products? What if I want bottled water!?).

“Developy” boxes around SU for students to directly address their issues and concerns to the officer (So… feedback forms?). Also there would be weekly drop in sessions (Which nobody will go to…) for students and society members to discuss about the matters that concern the students and the students union.

Enhanced support on student-led projects on sustainability and enterprise (Just using the word enterprise means absolutely nothing!).

Reducing the usage of paper leaflets (Please tell me that you printed this out on your leaflets) by making use of more digital display boards and also ensuring (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and encouraging the recycled products in SU.

Students Union Festival- A week of fun packed events in SU in collaboration with the Activities Officer!!! (Multiple exclaimation marks are the sure sound of a disturbed mind)

YOUR VISION,MY MISSION! VOTE ASHWIN! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 3/10. There’s so much that sounds like a good idea on paper, but is probably terrible

Another day, another mockery! This time, Education!

Fun fact! This year, the slogans are infinitely harder to find, since they aren’t included on the SU website anymore, meaning I have to find their Facebook page. The fact I am unreasonably angry about this is a serious problem.

Education doesn’t tend to have the same thing mentioned year after year, so no bonus points on offer today.

Post

Education

Areas of remit

Academic Reps | Learning | University Collaboration

Description

• Representing student opinions on learning and teaching to the University
• Collaborating with academic representatives in departments
• Supporting student campaigns on educational issues

Alice (Ali) Day

Slogan

Don't dally, Vote Ali

Rating

8/10. Internal rhymes are the best rhymes

Manifesto

Education is such a valuable part of our lives (If I were still in education I don’t know if I’d be allowed to do this and that would upset people). I want you (Lord Kitchener called. He wants his slogan back) to have the opportunity to influence your own learning process (I influence it very well by not doing it). I recently had a submission of evidence published by the Parliamentary Select Committee investigating the government’s plans for higher education (What?). I argued against financially incentivising quality and in favour of students having a say in what happens to their education (But students are idiots! I know this because I USED TO BE A STUDENT). I want to lobby on your behalf (Oh, so we don’t really get a say eh?) to get students (UG and PG) (Oi! Leave the brackets!) to genuinely be at the heart of the system (Is…that a good idea? The heart of the system is probably bureaucracy…), with no barriers to education, so you get all that you can out of university.

Manifesto: (You don’t need that, I’ve done it for you)

Have your say!

Campaign for free education (I have a feeling you’ll be ignored)

Campaign against the Higher Education Green Paper which would raise the fee cap and treat students like consumers (Erm)

Negotiate the use of group work in final year and on different courses (For or against? Group work isn’t inherently evil you know. Or inherently good).

Don’t lose your way! (I’m already lost in this manifesto…)

Regular personal tutoring for every student (I’m sure the lecturers are going to love this)

Constructive feedback Tutors must comment on various categories when assessing work (Oh they definitely will love this. You know that not everything can be assessed that way?)

Study spaces in university accommodation with printers (Is the printer bit the problem, because whats the problem with just using your room? And where the hell would you put them!?)

Free black and white printing (Meanwhile, in San “This will totally be abused” Francisco) across campus

Accessible study skills support for international students (Good idea), online and face-to-face using my experience as an intern at the 301 Student Skills and Development Centre (Wait, you’re going to run these? Are you going to have time!?)

A brighter day! (A lovely dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

‘How to survive on your course’ sessions for first years run by third years (Who the hell would want to do that), giving first-hand (Or…third hand?) advice about how to approach coursework, study style and assessment (I would just make sarcastic comments. But then again, I’m doing this right now)

Career development in every year (Who thinks about their career in first year!?)

Promote political education so you understand how political decisions affect you (Not a bad idea. As long as satire is a critical part)

Score: 4/10. I look forward to lecturers ignoring you.

Alex Richardson

Slogan

Enrich your education with Richardson

Rating

4/10. Half rhymes aren't real rhymes people. Stop it.

Manifesto

If elected, my aims would be:(What the hell? Why can’t people introduce themselves anymore!?)

Make the compulsory recording of lectures across the entire university a university policy (I actually like this, but that’s because I like not leaving the house). This would make lectures more accessible for all students as well as becoming a valuable revision material come exam periods (Also true. You’re off to a good start).

The way feedback is received from assignments, essays and exams needs improving (Exams aren’t meant for feedback…). In many courses first year doesn’t count towards the overall degree classification, and should be used as an opportunity to learn the skills needed to succeed come later years (Or, you could just not bother. Works for most peeps).

Greater clarity and justification of borderline grades would be useful tools to help students understand their grades and improve. (Another good idea! You’re on a roll!)

There should be a postgraduate and mature student study space (Oh for Pete’s sake, what is this obsession with giving these groups extra consideration? Are there really massive issues they face?). The university libraries fill up quickly (Good thing they built another), so the creation of a new study space would enable them to just work (So could everyone!) rather than fighting for desks and rooms (I like the idea of there being actual fights for desk space).

The fact that university services are closed on weekends means students taking Saturday exams are disadvantaged (What!? Really? How are they disadvantaged?). I would discuss with the University whether Saturday exams could be stopped (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), or services extended in exam season.

Lastly, as a dyslexic student my education has benefited greatly from a DSA grant and services (Must. Avoid. Obvious. Joke). Under upcoming Government proposals, it will be harder for disabled students and those from less privileged backgrounds to access higher education. I would work hard to constructively oppose and ameliorate (Oooh, fancy word. I literally had to look it up. It means “Make better”) these cuts locally and nationally.

As a final year student, SU Councillor and Collections Coordinator for RAG, I’ve loved my university experience here (And it’s loved you). I’d love to spend a year improving it for other students (Awwww).

Score: 7/10. A good set of policies here, though you lost a point for the Saturday exam bit. I’m still laughing.

Imogen Sprackling

Slogan

To watch education grow: Vote Imo!

Rating

4/10. Half rhymes aren't real rhymes people. Stop it.

Manifesto

Education matters (You know, I’m giving you an extra point for just introducing yourself) and that’s why I want to be your Education Officer to ensure all students get the best educational experience possible! I will work hard (I was worried you’d slack off) to enhance your academic life here in Sheffield, improve student representation so your views are heard and campaign on national educational issues that matter to you.

Enhancing Student Experience – I want to… (break free?)

Improve the quality and consistency of feedback (I’m 90% sure that the lecturers will ignore you)

Put more core texts (Surely that’s already in their remit? And how do you decide which core texts need to be bought? I’ll bet you’ll just worry about your course. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU) in the library and increase the number of online learning resources (What if there aren’t any easily available…)

Increase the number and accessibility of learning spaces around campus, especially during exam time (You’re aware the union basically becomes a revision zone, right?)

Encourage more cross-departmental engagement and collaboration (Oooh! Philosophy students as pendulums!)

Make postgraduate, part-time and mature students feel included in Student Union activities (I’m 80% sure they don’t feel included when you constantly SINGLE THEM OUT)

Provide a wellbeing (Aren’t they a toiletries brand?) support stall in the libraries and the Diamond around exam time

Improving Student Representation – I want to… (BREAK FREE)

Make Academic Reps more visible (What, paint them in neon?) and accessible and raise their profile among students

Make sure Academic Reps are equipped to represent students in all years of study (Are they not now? How?)

Ensure the views of the Postgraduate Students Committee and Academic Reps are shared with the university and acted upon (I thought that was already a big thing…)

Strong National Voice – I want to… (break free from your lies, you’re so self satisfied I don’t need you)

Campaign against rises in tuition fees and the loss of maintenance grants (I’m sure that’ll end well)

Keep supporting the ‘No Barriers to Education’ campaign (I’ve never heard of this)

I want to look closely at Higher Education Policy and at any changes the government are suggesting (Oh good. Going to give them feedback, or just look closely at it?)

Work with the Student Advice Centre to ensure students are supported and understand any changes the government make to Higher Education (But you’re a student officer. It’ll probably boil down to “OMG TORIES ARE EVIL”)

To Watch Education Grow: Vote Imo! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!

Score: 5/10. I feel barely anything.

Jamie Billington

Slogan

Live to learn, love to learn

Rating

0/10. You know what that is? Not a pun

Manifesto

Love Learning with Jamie

Live to Learn (You don’t need that many titles so close together)

Here I tackle all of the long term and financial problems: (I’ll be the judge of that)

Campaign against the rising costs of higher education (That sounds fun)

Oppose the replacement of grants with loans (Well, at least you’ll be opposing it)

Fight to remove all hidden costs (Well, you aren’t going to get them all. They’ll probably hide deeper underground)

Free necessary printing for your degree (What constitutes necessary printing!?)

Removing continuation fees for postgraduate students (What? That’s a thing? That’s bollocks)

Costs of essential textbooks and equipment (What about them?)

Free hot water facilities (…)

Continuation plans

More support for students advancing to postgraduate degrees here (What’s the problem at the moment?)

More support for students making a future unrelated to their specific degree (…)

Love to Learn

Here I tackle all of the more short term and personal issues, developing a more harmonious environment for everyone (Again, I’ll be the judge)

Peer support groups

I will create effective and useful peer support groups (Ahahahahahahahahahaha) of both academic and personal natures. Helping with everything from exam revision to settling in to university as a fresher.

Increased personal tutor involvement

More contact hours with your personal tutor allowing them to actually help you with your degree, with the option of additional study problems to track expected progress (Ain’t nobody got time for dat)

Encourage alternative learning styles for students who struggle with traditional methods (A good idea actually…)

Increased DDSS support for all departments

From the very first day at university the Disability and Dyslexia Support Service (How are they meant to track everyone!?) should be present and there for all students so no struggles go unnoticed

Ensure disabled students’ needs are met in accordance with DDSS and DSC’s pre-existing policies (How does this not happen already!?)

Feedback and communication forums

Increased communication between staff and students as well as continuous free feedback in both directions (I think that already can happen. It’s just that nobody does it)

Love Learning with Jamie!

Josh Berlyn

Slogan

Make education shine, with Josh Berlyne

Rating

7/10. Oooh, that's a good'un

Manifesto

Make Education Shine With Berlyne! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Access to university currently comes at a high price (At least you don’t pay for it for ages). With my experience in local and national education campaigns (Which ones?), I want to change this by bringing all students together to campaign on the issues that really affect us (What if we’re armchair apathists, who spend their evenings mocking student officer election manifestos?).

Overcoming barriers to education

Improve the way departments deal with mental health issues (Always a good idea) for all students, including fairer policies for extensions and a healthier research culture (Good idea).

Put Sheffield students at the forefront of the national campaign against cuts to maintenance grants, Disabled Students’ Allowance and the Postgraduate Support Scheme (But I’m busy in my armchair!).

Ensure the University doesn’t use the government’s ‘counter-terrorism’ “Prevent” agenda to unduly target Muslim students (Oooh, another good idea. Shame they could quite easily ignore you…).

Campaign for the post-study work visa to be re-instated for international students (I’m sorry, but I think you’ll be ignored…).

Getting you involved and organised in your education (Organised!? That sounds terrible!)

A Students’ Inquiry (Oh god, not another one) at all levels to find out the issues that really impact you. This is more than just a survey (It sounds like a survey): I will use it to connect students affected by the same issues, bringing them into existing campaigns (What, like a dating app?) or helping set up new ones.

“Policy forum” meetings and monthly email updates, keeping you up-to-date on changes to higher education (That’s a really good idea actually. I’m convinced most officers do something but we never see it).

Enhancing academic life for all (Even those who mock student officer manifestos?)

Postgraduate teachers are overworked, poorly paid and have little office space . This means little time to prepare for seminars and not enough time to give detailed feedback. I want to:

Work closely with postgraduate representative groups and the UCU (the academic staff union) (Leave the brackets. They’re mine) to improve working conditions.

Expand and connect postgraduate representative groups to campaign for better supervision and development programmes.

Score: 8/10. Quite sensible actually

Welcome to the now annual mockery of the Sheffield SU Elections. Below there’s the various mockery from previous years. If you haven’t yet worked out what this is, this is my contribution to the democratic process of the University of Sheffield Student’s Union. Namely, mockery.

As I’ve mentioned several times, this isn’t about mocking the candidates or the positions. This is about mocking the words that they use to get elected, and also how farcical the entire process is.

People are marked out of 10 for their slogan (which extra points for imaginative puns), and then given a marking of out 10. The points are arbritary so shush. Today, Activities Officers!

Post

Activities

Areas of remit

Societies | Opportunities | Volunteering

Description

• Assisting Societies Committee and the Activities Department in the running of societies as well as representing Student Activities in the running of the Students' Union
• Improving and expanding student activities and the number of students participating in them and working with the University to ensure recognition of the contribution students make through Activities
• Representing all students across the Students' Union and The University and empower them to have a voice and implement change

Anna Berestova

Slogan

It's not over till it's Berestova

Rating

8/10. I applaud that

Manifesto

ANNA for Activities

DIGITAL AND TECHNOLOGY (Well, you got right to it)

Launch ACTIVITIES APP (Can it be the Activities App? I prefer my apps to not shout their names at me. Actually, I’m going to play “App” bingo this year. DING.), built by students for students (Sounds to me like someone doesn’t know how much work goes into making an app)

Improve the WEBSITE (Please stop shouting) to be more ACCESSIBLE (It’s not accessible if you shout) and create an ONLINE SOCIETY PRESENCE (Please stop shouting) accommodating the needs of every student (What if my need is to have an online society presence that doesn’t accommodate my mate Fred? Fred’s a dick)

CONNECT (My ears hurt) students to activities through an activities SEARCH ENGINE (Christ almighty, we already have one!)

Install a MEDIA GUIDE (Is that like the woman AI thing in Mass Effect 1? That could actually be pretty sweet. Probably not cheap though) in the Union showing everything scheduled to happen that week

STUDENTS (Did you roll a dice when coming up with which words to capitalise?) in Society (Why half ass it? Surely that should have been SOCIETY)

Encourage society involvement in local BUSINESSES (You know that most businesses will ignore you, right?) to boost SPONSORSHIP and INVESTMENT (What investments? Us investing in the businesses? Or them in us? There’s so much wrong with that)

Integrate external organisations into societies to expand VOLUNTEERING OPPORTUNITIES (I’m already bored of this running joke)

Create HIRE-A-STUDENT website (WEBSITES DON’T MAGICALLY MAKE THINGS BETTER) where students can freelance their skills to businesses and the university (I’m not sure that’d be legal…)

Give societies a GLOBAL spin through exchanges with twin societies in other countries (That actually sounds kind of cool)

Ensure full integration of POSTGRADUATES, MATURE, DISABLED and INTERNATIONAL students in activities (But…how? I mean, it’s easy to at least consider the disabled when you’re setting up events, but the other students have what problems?)

Provide funding for ENVIRONMENTAL societies (I don’t think that’s in your remit)

Organisational and Society Specific

EXPAND (ZOOM AND ENHANCE) Refreshers Fair

Reach out (awwwwwww REACH OUT! Le freak, c’est chic) to CITY ACCOMMODATION to ensure their full inclusion and accessibility to events (Are they not included? And are you talking to the actual building, or the people who live there?)

Ensure students receive HEAR RECOGNITION ([Insert obvious joke about hearing here]) for one-off events

Enlarge the SOCIETY LOCKER ROOM (Where are you going to put it? Are you going to ask the Union to build a shed?)

Improve ROOM BOOKINGS through creation of a VISUAL online system (I forgot that this was another hot topic. Guess last year’s system didn’t happen either)

Give 1st YEARS a VOICE (I can hear your voice) on society committees. Fresh positions for fresh ideas (Ahahahahahahahaha)

Provide DROP-IN SESSIONS (Via parachute? Please be via parachute) for committee members to discuss possible COLLABORATION (I mean, who’s going to go to these?) and VOLUNTEER PROJECTS (Volunteer for the deaf!)

SPECIAL ACCESS (Why is this title in all caps?)

Expand PARTICIPATION GRANT (This is also a regular. Who’s going to pay for this?) and increase its ACCESSIBILITY to low income students (Wait, what? I’m all for low income students getting a leg up, but isn’t the participation grant for societies?)

About me:

President of Amnesty International

Social Sec of UNICEF and Women’s Basketball

One World Ambassador

Global Opportunities Ambassador

Ski racer, snowboarder, basketballer, hiker

(I nearly added the formatting for you. I’m just going to assume you weren’t allowed any)

Score: 4/10. I thought ABOUT giving you a HIGHER score, then I remembered HOW random the CAPITAL letters were.

Sophia Arthurs-Hartnett

Slogan

Sophia's got ideas

Rating

4/10. Half rhymes aren't real rhymes. You're not a folk singer

Manifesto

I’m Sophia Arthurs-Hartnett (And I’m an alcoholic), a third year Philosophy and Politics student (Wait, that ruins the joke), and I’m full of ideas for Activities in the SU (Yay! She pulled it back!)!

Inclusions

Work with Welfare Officer (So… do your job?) to make sure mental health first aid training (Is that a thing? I mean, first aid is “I will break your ribs so you will live long enough to get to a hospital”. Mental health doesn’t work that way…) is given to all societies and committees in the SU’s ‘high risk’ category (Is that just the Assassin’s? HEY GUYS! YOU GOT MENTIONED!)

Hold meetings so that liberation groups (like LGBT+, Disabled Students Committee) (OI! These brackets are mine!) Can give advice on how to make societies more inclusive.

Allow for liberation groups to have a greater role in inclusions officer training (That’s actually a good idea. Do they not do that already? Why don’t they do that already?)

Digital Innovation

Create an online “iPlayer” style service to make it easy to watch society talks and events if you missed them! (Who the hell would ever use this!? Aren’t we then going to have to spend effort recording them?)

Put together a clear online database (DING) of services and equipment societies can access to improve their events. (Isn’t that…nothing?)

Streamline The Zone Online to make it more user-friendly. (That sounds like a good idea. Hang on, I’ll go look at what it’s like at the moment… That doesn’t look too bad. What’s the issue)

Expand Volunteering

Cultivate more accessible, one-off volunteering projects to react to developing crises (Are you going to do this by creating new crises?)..

Seek out and create more links with new charities that need volunteers.(I’m sure they’ll love that, but how do you decide which charities need volunteers? How do you make societies link up with them?)

Streamlining fundraising and volunteering within the SU to give the best service for students wanting to engage with charity work.

Achieve Accessibility

Have a more varied programme of GIAG (give-it-a-go) (1) These are my brackets. 2) WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT GIAG MEANS BY NOW!?) sessions on weekends (Is this really a problem?) and less committed activities so that those on a high demand course can still participate with SU activities if they wish (I mean, I reckon most people can…).

Campaign for a permanent “quiet zone” (You should have a word with Anna up there. She’s rather loud) in the SU building.

Promote (What, to sergeant?) drop-in sessions for students to get advice on how they can get more involved with Activities! (Hah. Who does that?)

Vote Sophia for Activities! (I can’t. Sorry. I’m just here for the mockery)

Score: 5/10. I like the fact that each subsection spells out IDEA. That’s well thought out.

Simon Watters

Slogan

Watt you want for activities

Rating

5/10. You know, I thought I could do better with Watters, but I couldn't. So have 5/10

Manifesto

Improved communication between societies and the Activities Zone:

Timetabled drop in sessions (What’s this obsession with drop in sessions?) each week where societies can come and troubleshoot their problems (Have you tried turning it off and on again?).

Greater correspondance (Goodness gracious, great balls of correspondence) from the activities zone instead of just a weekly email,perhaps web chat for example(Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

A noticeboard where societites can post suggested improvements to Activities (I’m sure that won’t get abused)

More opportunities to get involved:

Encourage societies to involve postgraduate,mature,international and disabled students in their events and groups. (Do you think people just ignore them? Because that’s not happened in any society I’ve been involved in…)

Smaller activities fairs in October for those that missed out (What, like the new society fair that nobody goes to?)

Sub-fairs such as academic, faith,etc. (What, like the new society fair that nobody goes to?)

Heighten awareness of Sheffield Volunteering:

Publicity of volunteering events both at the Activities fair and throughout the year via the Activities zone (Aren’t they already pretty heavily publicised?)

Events such as the ‘Do it for you’ Day where all societies can contribute to volunteering.(What about these events?)

Allow societies more scope to develop their own ideas for volunteering. (Why is this a running thing?)

Score: 4/10. I nearly forgot to score you. See what I did there? FORgot? It’s funny. SHUT UP IT IS.

Sarah Boyle

Slogan

BOYLE: YOUR BEST BET FOR ACTIVITIES

Rating

1/10. All alliteration aside, you got a point for Boyle Best Bet. I mean, you could've had "Lance That Boyle" or something like that and ran around with a big lance.

Manifesto

Better SUPPORT for societies

Continue to DEVELOP THE ONLINE ACTIVITIES SYSTEM (WHY ARE PEOPLE SHOUTING ALL THE TIME) to make it easier to use and understand.(Hell, I had no idea we had an online activities system…)

Introduce a YEARLY EVALUATION form for societies to reflect on what they did well (What happens if we don’t do these?) and what they would improve on to enable future committees to continuously IMPROVE SOCIETY INNER-WORKINGS (Or, you could just train people how to do a handover…).

Expand on the current committee skills training by introducing more PRACTICAL SKILLS SESSIONS (What practical skills are you planning on? with a bigger focus on GETTING SOCIETIES READY FOR THE ACTIVITIES FAIR (I’m just imagining you channelling your inner BRIAN BLESSED for that)– the peak time for membership subscriptions, crucial for all societies.

Better ACCESSIBILITY

HIGHLIGHT (WITH CAPITALS) GIVE IT A GO sessions that are SUITABLE FOR INTERNATIONAL, DISABLED, MATURE AND POST GRAD STUDENTS (WHAT’S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT MATURE AND POST GRAD STUDENTS!?) in the programmes and work with their representative committees to ensure accessibility.

Provide more information and PROMOTION OF THE PARTICIPATION GRANT to ensure everyone gets involved with societies!(Isn’t the participation grant just for societies? I must be wrong on this)

Better COLLABORATION

Introduce an ACTIVITIES EXCHANGE (BRIAN BLESSED) where societies of different backgrounds can integrate (As in maths integration?) with each other and swap activities (What? Why would that work)!

Introduce more LARGE-SCALE SOCIETY VOLUNTEERING EVENTS (BRIAN BLESSED) like the “Do It For You Day” that gives childhood cancer patients in Sheffield the chance to try out a range of sports and leisure activities, which Sport Sheffield currently supports!(But they’re really not very good for the non-sport societies if I remember)

Work with Sheffield Hallam SU (They’re our rivals!) to develop a SOCIETY VARSITY (BRIAN BLE- okay I’m done) – not only sports teams want to compete against Hallam!

EXPERIENCE

Students Union Departmental French Councillor 2015/16

NUS National Conference Delegate 2016

Le Cercle Francais

President 2015/16

Welsh Soc Founder 2014 (I currently have to deal with making things work in Welsh and thus you lose a point for reminding me of this)

Sheffield Sabrecats Pom Coach 2013/14

Publicity Officer 2013/14 (What, just a random publicity officer? You’ve not publicised that very well)

Score: 4/10. You’re surprisingly not terrible.

That’s all for now! Check back for Education tomorrow!

Well, we’re finally here. The last set. If you have enjoyed my mockery, then please do let me know. Hopefully, I’ll have encouraged you to vote if able, and if not then I hope I’ve provided you with ample entertainment.

Adam Ferrington

Slogan

No to socialism No to banning

Rating

-5/10. Ho boy. So much is wrong with that. 1. You missed out a full stop. 2. You seem to have a very single minded approach to being president. 3. Wat.

Manifesto

• Bring forward political debate between societies. (About what? Just politics in general? “Hi NoddSoc, we’re BoardSoc! Want to meet up and chat about Labour?”)
• Promote local projects which are mutually beneficial for the union and community. (Are you sure you’re running for the right role? That’s a Development Officer’s manifesto post if ever I saw it)
• Attempt to remove ridiculous banning culture because some people are offended. (What? I mean, the only thing that’s recently been banned was The Sun. That’s it. What else is there?)

Score: -5/10. Mr Ferrington, my mockery was longer than your manifesto.

Christy McMorrow

Slogan

Vote McMorrow for Your Union's Tomorrow!

Rating

6/10. Exclaimation marks get you even more points! Trust me!

Manifesto

Our SU is ranked No.1 in the country (Why yes. Yes it is). I’m running for President (Really?) to make sure it works even better for you. Here are my policies to give our Union a better tomorrow.

AN SU THAT FIGHTS FOR YOU

If elected, I will:

• Work with other Unions nationwide to lobby the new government for free education and for a loan and grant system that gives students the support they require
• Make sure combatting sexism, racism, ableism, transphobia and homophobia on campus is at the heart of all our campaigns
• Defend the rights of international students and continue to lobby the government to end xenophobic NHS fees.

HOUSING (Wait, are you secretly a Welfare Candidate?)

Housing is a major concern for students, in terms of both cost and quality. To improve this, I will:

• Campaign for an end to rip-off admin fees from letting agents (And thus raise rents)
• Lobby for lower rents in University accommodation, which can cost an entire student loan (Fair enough)
• Start a “Good Landlord (DING)” scheme, so students can recommend landlords (DING) to make them pay attention to our needs. (Or, as is more likely, “Make them continue to ignore you”)

A SUSTAINABLE UNION (I think you are secretly a Welfare Candidate…)

Our Union should look after tomorrow, not just today. I will:

• Work to lower our carbon footprint and save costs by finding locations for solar panels on campus (What!?)
• Support food sustainability projects, by recycling unused food from Union and University outlets (Erm…)
• Support current campaigns to ensure the University stops investing in fossil fuel companies. (WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG THING!?)

Sheffield has a great SU today, but if you think these things will help it be even better, then VOTE MCMORROW FOR YOUR UNION’S TOMORROW! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

BONUS LANDLORD BINGO SCORE: 2. Lose 2 points.

Score: 2/10. I think you ticked the wrong box…

Bee D’abéillé Lokkit Sl, Wan (Bee D’abéillé Lokkit)

Slogan

"Higher Aspirations, Diverse Opinions, Dynamic Union"

Rating

t least go with a Harder Faster Better Stronger joke.

Manifesto

Hi (Hi!)! Have you ever thought to stand for a dynamic SU ? If yes, then you should vote for me as your new SU president (I’ll be the judge of that). Because if I am honored to be elected, I will let everyone to HAVE a BIG-SAY, afterward I will apply my president power for making a better Uni-life, and to build the ideal union together.

(Right, intermission. I know a lot of people were looking forward to me doing Lokkit. But a lot of the things that I could be mocking are just bad translations, which goes against the point of this. Obviously, a Presidential Candidate needs to be good orator and writer, but I’m here to mock badly thought out ideas. Back to business)

Actually, I am currently a politics councilor, hence I have received many ideas. So, I targeted at a main future SU-development plans, which is to put as a HUGE-PLATFORM to connect between the university and international society, these can be achieved by developing of a sustainable multi- cultural campus. For this, I will take the following actions.

Firstly, according to the higher increase of the tuition fees, I will pursue the administrative department for controlling the increase percentage of tuition fees (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and this will be my main focus. Moreover, I will propose further new student services, e.g. formal letter assistance service (Cough), invite more celebrities from different countries to give more lecture-talks (I’m really hoping that’s been a bad translation and you just want celebreties to give talks. Not actual lectures). Furthermore, for strengthen the cultural diversity in the SU with balancing and integrating the local university culture, a multi-cultural enquiry services will be informed, plus promoting wider selection of different cultures meals in the SU (That’s a good idea, but I expect most of the “cultural” meals will be butchered. Horribly). Finally, I will reflect the issue of transport planning to Travel South-Yorkshire, e.g. inaccurate buses frequencies, and strive for adjusting the buses departure timing. (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Travel South Yorkshire are probably just going to ignore you)

So !!! DON’T WASTE THE VOTE IN YOUR HAND, and VOTE FOR THE RIGHT ONE (Vote for my right hand?). Lokkit here stand for you.

Score: 2/10. I’m still unsure about what Lokkit is suggesting.

Joanna (Jo) Sutton-Klein

Slogan

Ready Steady Jo!

Rating

8/10. Impressive pun, and exclaimation marks! (Bonus point also given because I've heard the backup pun was "There's nothing that rhymes with Sutton-Klein")

Manifesto

Hello! (Hi!)

I’m Jo, a 3rd-year medical student. I founded Yoga Soc and am head of Forge TV News and have watched these societies develop and grow under my leadership. I am passionate to bring my skills to being SU president!

My vision is for an inclusive students’ union that supports every individual student (Kind of the definition of inclusive…), represents you at university and national levels, and provides relevant (Dammit, I wanted irrelevant ones!) and exciting opportunities.

• Preparing us for life and increasing employability

We should leave university feeling prepared to become active citizens (But I don’t want to grow up!). I will arrange short sessions on the things we need to know but are never taught including taxes and employment rights (Ohmygodyes). I will work to improve the university’s graduate employability strategy (Do they even have one!?) and support for post-grads.

• Reducing the hidden costs of university

On top of tuition fees, we have to spend loads on compulsory textbooks and degree/graduation essentials. I will create a textbook swapping/selling scheme (Couldn’t people just…do that anyway?) and push (Push dear!) the university to provide more library copies.

• Tracing our tuition fees (Using tracing paper?)

I will find out exactly how the university spends our fees, and make the information available so we can scrutinise spending and campaign for change. (Won’t the university ignore you?)

• Engaging and empowering you

I want every student to feel ownership of their SU, and empowered to fight for change both within the university and in wider society. I will improve communication between SU officers (Erm…), union council and you and give a greater platform to student campaigners.

If you want a union which addresses all those policies under a strong leadership then vote for me!

Score: 8/10

Marcus Foster

Slogan

Foster. Good Call

Rating

7/10. I'm impressed that you haven't had a ceace and desist.

Manifesto

I am running to be President of the Student’s Union because although I believe that Sheffield is an amazing place to study (Awwwww) and live, we should be striving for an even better experience for students. I have experience in running campaigns on issues that matter (Like?), including helping organise the campaign to guarantee the future of the University Arms (What? That’s a problem?), and lobbying bus companies to reduce student fares (Are they ignoring you? Because I bet they are). I am not a candidate who will try and promise unrealistic things (I’ll be the judge of that) to get elected; my aims are achievable and would make student life in Sheffield better. They are:

-Improving the Concourse:

I would put recycling bins outside of the main entrance of the Student’s Union (Good idea), as well as more benches (Nah). I would also campaign for the decoration of the underneath of the overpass (Eh…), preferably by students ourselves (Eh).

-Increasing space to revise around busy times such as exam period: (Are there any other busy periods?)

This would include lecture theatres and similar rooms not being used during exam period, as well as locations in Endcliffe. (What, like the bar?)

-Concentrate Student’s Union campaigning on an increase in maintenance loans and grants, and reform of the system by which they are granted:

Although the issue of tuition fees is important, maintenance loans and grants are the financial issue that affects students whilst they are still students (Fair point). I feel that this issue is one that is vital to address, particularly as rents for student accommodation and housing increase, and it is an issue where there is the potential for real change. (Is there? Really?)

Foster: Good Call. (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 5/10. You’re very much like a sorbet. I feel nothing after finishing reading that.

Max Bell

Slogan

Cluckin' Hell - Vote Bell!

Rating

6/10. I'm really hoping that you go round in a chicken suit

Manifesto

Hi (Hi!) – I’m Max Bell, a final year Law undergrad and SU Councillor. With your vote I’ll be your next Students’ Union President (No. No you will not).

Coming from a low-income single-parent home all the way to our Russell Group University, I owe Sheffield everything – I’d love to return the favour!

I’ve worked for the likes of; The BBC, Guardian, Labour Party, various trade unions (So, just trade unions then) and in offices, restaurants and bookmakers.

These experiences give me the skills and passion to serve you as a great President.

In addition to my Presidential duties, I promise my 9-point plan:

• Guarantee SU Representation for students in University, academic or disciplinary meetings. (What?)
• Create more charge points for phones and laptops throughout the University and SU. (Good idea actually)
• Donate 10% of my salary every month to a different Sheffield-based charity. (Noble)
• Always put all students first - not suck up to politicians, the NUS, or cliques. (But, you went to work for Labour… And the NUS is supposed to stand up for students…)
• Demand a Living Wage for all our workers (All workers?), giving them dignity and security.
• Build a register of working students, spreading best practice via employability and time-management support. (Seems almost sensible)
• Be the most accessible President ever – running surgeries in the SU & student villages, with an open door office policy. (So…never get anything done?)
• Give Student Advice and SSID complete political and financial independence. (They don’t already?)
• Lead our university’s biggest ever voter registration drive for Sheffield City Council and the General Election. (Erm. You know that you’ll be President AFTER the General Election - right?)

If this sounds like your cup of tea, lend me your vote (Will you give it back?) - and watch it happen.

CLUCKIN’ ‘ELL – VOTE BELL! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 4/10. Meh.

And thus we finish. Thank you all for following. I’ll begin mockery of the 2016 canididates soon!

This is the one that was slightly controversial. In the original posts on Facebook, I went into detail about this. You can read these on the about page. Hopefully that covers things enough.

Sharmin Jahan

Slogan

Shout for Sharmin

Rating

3/10. All alliteration aside, you lost a point because of the lack of exclaimation mark

Manifesto

Hi I’m Sharmin!

I am a final year student and the current Women’s councillor, I’m also on Women’s committee.

Personally, I have faced sexism and racism. I understand the importance of intersectionality so if; elected I want to make some changes, create a more inclusive, accessible, democratic and intersectional union:

1. Intersectional (Intersectional is starting to not be a word…) forums, for women from all backgrounds to get together and discuss issues that are important to them.

2. Workshops covering topics such as Domestic Violence, Mental Health, Human Trafficking, FGM, Sex Workers and more. (I’m hoping there isn’t a workshop on performing FGM…)

3. Launch a strong and innovative campaign on campuses across Sheffield to raise awareness on consent. (Very sensible idea)

4. Continuously campaign against sexism, LGBTphobia, ableism, racism and Islamophobia. (Awesome)

5. ‘No More, Everyday Ignorance Box’ people can post ignorant comments made towards them, then they will be posted on union walls to raise awareness. (I have a feeling that idiots will make it their mission to be on that board…)

6. Commitment to bring back Feminist Fridays (open to all genders) (HEY! The brackets are mine!)

My relevant experiences include:

• Active involvement with other liberation and representative committees (BME and ISC).

• As a local person from Sheffield I have been involved within the local community working in women’s refuges and raising awareness on disabled and LGBT issues within the BME community.

• Visited/helped women’s refuges abroad.

• Attended NUS Women’s and Black Students’ events.

• Was a Sheffield mentor, included me advising and helping fresher’s.

• Current Ambassador for my department and university.

Score: 9/10.

There is no reason to not vote for Sharmin. Put away any petty bollocks ideas you have about the Women’s Officer. This is the best manifesto I’ve read.