Sheffield University Officer Elections 2015 (President)

Well, we’re finally here. The last set. If you have enjoyed my mockery, then please do let me know. Hopefully, I’ll have encouraged you to vote if able, and if not then I hope I’ve provided you with ample entertainment.

Adam Ferrington

Slogan

No to socialism No to banning

Rating

-5/10. Ho boy. So much is wrong with that. 1. You missed out a full stop. 2. You seem to have a very single minded approach to being president. 3. Wat.

Manifesto

• Bring forward political debate between societies. (About what? Just politics in general? “Hi NoddSoc, we’re BoardSoc! Want to meet up and chat about Labour?”)
• Promote local projects which are mutually beneficial for the union and community. (Are you sure you’re running for the right role? That’s a Development Officer’s manifesto post if ever I saw it)
• Attempt to remove ridiculous banning culture because some people are offended. (What? I mean, the only thing that’s recently been banned was The Sun. That’s it. What else is there?)

Score: -5/10. Mr Ferrington, my mockery was longer than your manifesto.

Christy McMorrow

Slogan

Vote McMorrow for Your Union's Tomorrow!

Rating

6/10. Exclaimation marks get you even more points! Trust me!

Manifesto

Our SU is ranked No.1 in the country (Why yes. Yes it is). I’m running for President (Really?) to make sure it works even better for you. Here are my policies to give our Union a better tomorrow.

AN SU THAT FIGHTS FOR YOU

If elected, I will:

• Work with other Unions nationwide to lobby the new government for free education and for a loan and grant system that gives students the support they require
• Make sure combatting sexism, racism, ableism, transphobia and homophobia on campus is at the heart of all our campaigns
• Defend the rights of international students and continue to lobby the government to end xenophobic NHS fees.

HOUSING (Wait, are you secretly a Welfare Candidate?)

Housing is a major concern for students, in terms of both cost and quality. To improve this, I will:

• Campaign for an end to rip-off admin fees from letting agents (And thus raise rents)
• Lobby for lower rents in University accommodation, which can cost an entire student loan (Fair enough)
• Start a “Good Landlord (DING)” scheme, so students can recommend landlords (DING) to make them pay attention to our needs. (Or, as is more likely, “Make them continue to ignore you”)

A SUSTAINABLE UNION (I think you are secretly a Welfare Candidate…)

Our Union should look after tomorrow, not just today. I will:

• Work to lower our carbon footprint and save costs by finding locations for solar panels on campus (What!?)
• Support food sustainability projects, by recycling unused food from Union and University outlets (Erm…)
• Support current campaigns to ensure the University stops investing in fossil fuel companies. (WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG THING!?)

Sheffield has a great SU today, but if you think these things will help it be even better, then VOTE MCMORROW FOR YOUR UNION’S TOMORROW! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

BONUS LANDLORD BINGO SCORE: 2. Lose 2 points.

Score: 2/10. I think you ticked the wrong box…

Bee D’abéillé Lokkit Sl, Wan (Bee D’abéillé Lokkit)

Slogan

"Higher Aspirations, Diverse Opinions, Dynamic Union"

Rating

t least go with a Harder Faster Better Stronger joke.

Manifesto

Hi (Hi!)! Have you ever thought to stand for a dynamic SU ? If yes, then you should vote for me as your new SU president (I’ll be the judge of that). Because if I am honored to be elected, I will let everyone to HAVE a BIG-SAY, afterward I will apply my president power for making a better Uni-life, and to build the ideal union together.

(Right, intermission. I know a lot of people were looking forward to me doing Lokkit. But a lot of the things that I could be mocking are just bad translations, which goes against the point of this. Obviously, a Presidential Candidate needs to be good orator and writer, but I’m here to mock badly thought out ideas. Back to business)

Actually, I am currently a politics councilor, hence I have received many ideas. So, I targeted at a main future SU-development plans, which is to put as a HUGE-PLATFORM to connect between the university and international society, these can be achieved by developing of a sustainable multi- cultural campus. For this, I will take the following actions.

Firstly, according to the higher increase of the tuition fees, I will pursue the administrative department for controlling the increase percentage of tuition fees (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and this will be my main focus. Moreover, I will propose further new student services, e.g. formal letter assistance service (Cough), invite more celebrities from different countries to give more lecture-talks (I’m really hoping that’s been a bad translation and you just want celebreties to give talks. Not actual lectures). Furthermore, for strengthen the cultural diversity in the SU with balancing and integrating the local university culture, a multi-cultural enquiry services will be informed, plus promoting wider selection of different cultures meals in the SU (That’s a good idea, but I expect most of the “cultural” meals will be butchered. Horribly). Finally, I will reflect the issue of transport planning to Travel South-Yorkshire, e.g. inaccurate buses frequencies, and strive for adjusting the buses departure timing. (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Travel South Yorkshire are probably just going to ignore you)

So !!! DON’T WASTE THE VOTE IN YOUR HAND, and VOTE FOR THE RIGHT ONE (Vote for my right hand?). Lokkit here stand for you.

Score: 2/10. I’m still unsure about what Lokkit is suggesting.

Joanna (Jo) Sutton-Klein

Slogan

Ready Steady Jo!

Rating

8/10. Impressive pun, and exclaimation marks! (Bonus point also given because I've heard the backup pun was "There's nothing that rhymes with Sutton-Klein")

Manifesto

Hello! (Hi!)

I’m Jo, a 3rd-year medical student. I founded Yoga Soc and am head of Forge TV News and have watched these societies develop and grow under my leadership. I am passionate to bring my skills to being SU president!

My vision is for an inclusive students’ union that supports every individual student (Kind of the definition of inclusive…), represents you at university and national levels, and provides relevant (Dammit, I wanted irrelevant ones!) and exciting opportunities.

• Preparing us for life and increasing employability

We should leave university feeling prepared to become active citizens (But I don’t want to grow up!). I will arrange short sessions on the things we need to know but are never taught including taxes and employment rights (Ohmygodyes). I will work to improve the university’s graduate employability strategy (Do they even have one!?) and support for post-grads.

• Reducing the hidden costs of university

On top of tuition fees, we have to spend loads on compulsory textbooks and degree/graduation essentials. I will create a textbook swapping/selling scheme (Couldn’t people just…do that anyway?) and push (Push dear!) the university to provide more library copies.

• Tracing our tuition fees (Using tracing paper?)

I will find out exactly how the university spends our fees, and make the information available so we can scrutinise spending and campaign for change. (Won’t the university ignore you?)

• Engaging and empowering you

I want every student to feel ownership of their SU, and empowered to fight for change both within the university and in wider society. I will improve communication between SU officers (Erm…), union council and you and give a greater platform to student campaigners.

If you want a union which addresses all those policies under a strong leadership then vote for me!

Score: 8/10

Marcus Foster

Slogan

Foster. Good Call

Rating

7/10. I'm impressed that you haven't had a ceace and desist.

Manifesto

I am running to be President of the Student’s Union because although I believe that Sheffield is an amazing place to study (Awwwww) and live, we should be striving for an even better experience for students. I have experience in running campaigns on issues that matter (Like?), including helping organise the campaign to guarantee the future of the University Arms (What? That’s a problem?), and lobbying bus companies to reduce student fares (Are they ignoring you? Because I bet they are). I am not a candidate who will try and promise unrealistic things (I’ll be the judge of that) to get elected; my aims are achievable and would make student life in Sheffield better. They are:

-Improving the Concourse:

I would put recycling bins outside of the main entrance of the Student’s Union (Good idea), as well as more benches (Nah). I would also campaign for the decoration of the underneath of the overpass (Eh…), preferably by students ourselves (Eh).

-Increasing space to revise around busy times such as exam period: (Are there any other busy periods?)

This would include lecture theatres and similar rooms not being used during exam period, as well as locations in Endcliffe. (What, like the bar?)

-Concentrate Student’s Union campaigning on an increase in maintenance loans and grants, and reform of the system by which they are granted:

Although the issue of tuition fees is important, maintenance loans and grants are the financial issue that affects students whilst they are still students (Fair point). I feel that this issue is one that is vital to address, particularly as rents for student accommodation and housing increase, and it is an issue where there is the potential for real change. (Is there? Really?)

Foster: Good Call. (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 5/10. You’re very much like a sorbet. I feel nothing after finishing reading that.

Max Bell

Slogan

Cluckin' Hell - Vote Bell!

Rating

6/10. I'm really hoping that you go round in a chicken suit

Manifesto

Hi (Hi!) – I’m Max Bell, a final year Law undergrad and SU Councillor. With your vote I’ll be your next Students’ Union President (No. No you will not).

Coming from a low-income single-parent home all the way to our Russell Group University, I owe Sheffield everything – I’d love to return the favour!

I’ve worked for the likes of; The BBC, Guardian, Labour Party, various trade unions (So, just trade unions then) and in offices, restaurants and bookmakers.

These experiences give me the skills and passion to serve you as a great President.

In addition to my Presidential duties, I promise my 9-point plan:

• Guarantee SU Representation for students in University, academic or disciplinary meetings. (What?)
• Create more charge points for phones and laptops throughout the University and SU. (Good idea actually)
• Donate 10% of my salary every month to a different Sheffield-based charity. (Noble)
• Always put all students first - not suck up to politicians, the NUS, or cliques. (But, you went to work for Labour… And the NUS is supposed to stand up for students…)
• Demand a Living Wage for all our workers (All workers?), giving them dignity and security.
• Build a register of working students, spreading best practice via employability and time-management support. (Seems almost sensible)
• Be the most accessible President ever – running surgeries in the SU & student villages, with an open door office policy. (So…never get anything done?)
• Give Student Advice and SSID complete political and financial independence. (They don’t already?)
• Lead our university’s biggest ever voter registration drive for Sheffield City Council and the General Election. (Erm. You know that you’ll be President AFTER the General Election - right?)

If this sounds like your cup of tea, lend me your vote (Will you give it back?) - and watch it happen.

CLUCKIN’ ‘ELL – VOTE BELL! (Hey! That’s the name of the show!)

Score: 4/10. Meh.

And thus we finish. Thank you all for following. I’ll begin mockery of the 2016 canididates soon!