Sheffield University Officer Elections 2016 (Activities Officer)

Welcome to the now annual mockery of the Sheffield SU Elections. Below there’s the various mockery from previous years. If you haven’t yet worked out what this is, this is my contribution to the democratic process of the University of Sheffield Student’s Union. Namely, mockery.

As I’ve mentioned several times, this isn’t about mocking the candidates or the positions. This is about mocking the words that they use to get elected, and also how farcical the entire process is.

People are marked out of 10 for their slogan (which extra points for imaginative puns), and then given a marking of out 10. The points are arbritary so shush. Today, Activities Officers!

Post

Activities

Areas of remit

Societies | Opportunities | Volunteering

Description

• Assisting Societies Committee and the Activities Department in the running of societies as well as representing Student Activities in the running of the Students' Union
• Improving and expanding student activities and the number of students participating in them and working with the University to ensure recognition of the contribution students make through Activities
• Representing all students across the Students' Union and The University and empower them to have a voice and implement change

Anna Berestova

Slogan

It's not over till it's Berestova

Rating

8/10. I applaud that

Manifesto

ANNA for Activities

DIGITAL AND TECHNOLOGY (Well, you got right to it)

Launch ACTIVITIES APP (Can it be the Activities App? I prefer my apps to not shout their names at me. Actually, I’m going to play “App” bingo this year. DING.), built by students for students (Sounds to me like someone doesn’t know how much work goes into making an app)

Improve the WEBSITE (Please stop shouting) to be more ACCESSIBLE (It’s not accessible if you shout) and create an ONLINE SOCIETY PRESENCE (Please stop shouting) accommodating the needs of every student (What if my need is to have an online society presence that doesn’t accommodate my mate Fred? Fred’s a dick)

CONNECT (My ears hurt) students to activities through an activities SEARCH ENGINE (Christ almighty, we already have one!)

Install a MEDIA GUIDE (Is that like the woman AI thing in Mass Effect 1? That could actually be pretty sweet. Probably not cheap though) in the Union showing everything scheduled to happen that week

STUDENTS (Did you roll a dice when coming up with which words to capitalise?) in Society (Why half ass it? Surely that should have been SOCIETY)

Encourage society involvement in local BUSINESSES (You know that most businesses will ignore you, right?) to boost SPONSORSHIP and INVESTMENT (What investments? Us investing in the businesses? Or them in us? There’s so much wrong with that)

Integrate external organisations into societies to expand VOLUNTEERING OPPORTUNITIES (I’m already bored of this running joke)

Create HIRE-A-STUDENT website (WEBSITES DON’T MAGICALLY MAKE THINGS BETTER) where students can freelance their skills to businesses and the university (I’m not sure that’d be legal…)

Give societies a GLOBAL spin through exchanges with twin societies in other countries (That actually sounds kind of cool)

Ensure full integration of POSTGRADUATES, MATURE, DISABLED and INTERNATIONAL students in activities (But…how? I mean, it’s easy to at least consider the disabled when you’re setting up events, but the other students have what problems?)

Provide funding for ENVIRONMENTAL societies (I don’t think that’s in your remit)

Organisational and Society Specific

EXPAND (ZOOM AND ENHANCE) Refreshers Fair

Reach out (awwwwwww REACH OUT! Le freak, c’est chic) to CITY ACCOMMODATION to ensure their full inclusion and accessibility to events (Are they not included? And are you talking to the actual building, or the people who live there?)

Ensure students receive HEAR RECOGNITION ([Insert obvious joke about hearing here]) for one-off events

Enlarge the SOCIETY LOCKER ROOM (Where are you going to put it? Are you going to ask the Union to build a shed?)

Improve ROOM BOOKINGS through creation of a VISUAL online system (I forgot that this was another hot topic. Guess last year’s system didn’t happen either)

Give 1st YEARS a VOICE (I can hear your voice) on society committees. Fresh positions for fresh ideas (Ahahahahahahahaha)

Provide DROP-IN SESSIONS (Via parachute? Please be via parachute) for committee members to discuss possible COLLABORATION (I mean, who’s going to go to these?) and VOLUNTEER PROJECTS (Volunteer for the deaf!)

SPECIAL ACCESS (Why is this title in all caps?)

Expand PARTICIPATION GRANT (This is also a regular. Who’s going to pay for this?) and increase its ACCESSIBILITY to low income students (Wait, what? I’m all for low income students getting a leg up, but isn’t the participation grant for societies?)

About me:

President of Amnesty International

Social Sec of UNICEF and Women’s Basketball

One World Ambassador

Global Opportunities Ambassador

Ski racer, snowboarder, basketballer, hiker

(I nearly added the formatting for you. I’m just going to assume you weren’t allowed any)

Score: 4/10. I thought ABOUT giving you a HIGHER score, then I remembered HOW random the CAPITAL letters were.

Sophia Arthurs-Hartnett

Slogan

Sophia's got ideas

Rating

4/10. Half rhymes aren't real rhymes. You're not a folk singer

Manifesto

I’m Sophia Arthurs-Hartnett (And I’m an alcoholic), a third year Philosophy and Politics student (Wait, that ruins the joke), and I’m full of ideas for Activities in the SU (Yay! She pulled it back!)!

Inclusions

Work with Welfare Officer (So… do your job?) to make sure mental health first aid training (Is that a thing? I mean, first aid is “I will break your ribs so you will live long enough to get to a hospital”. Mental health doesn’t work that way…) is given to all societies and committees in the SU’s ‘high risk’ category (Is that just the Assassin’s? HEY GUYS! YOU GOT MENTIONED!)

Hold meetings so that liberation groups (like LGBT+, Disabled Students Committee) (OI! These brackets are mine!) Can give advice on how to make societies more inclusive.

Allow for liberation groups to have a greater role in inclusions officer training (That’s actually a good idea. Do they not do that already? Why don’t they do that already?)

Digital Innovation

Create an online “iPlayer” style service to make it easy to watch society talks and events if you missed them! (Who the hell would ever use this!? Aren’t we then going to have to spend effort recording them?)

Put together a clear online database (DING) of services and equipment societies can access to improve their events. (Isn’t that…nothing?)

Streamline The Zone Online to make it more user-friendly. (That sounds like a good idea. Hang on, I’ll go look at what it’s like at the moment… That doesn’t look too bad. What’s the issue)

Expand Volunteering

Cultivate more accessible, one-off volunteering projects to react to developing crises (Are you going to do this by creating new crises?)..

Seek out and create more links with new charities that need volunteers.(I’m sure they’ll love that, but how do you decide which charities need volunteers? How do you make societies link up with them?)

Streamlining fundraising and volunteering within the SU to give the best service for students wanting to engage with charity work.

Achieve Accessibility

Have a more varied programme of GIAG (give-it-a-go) (1) These are my brackets. 2) WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT GIAG MEANS BY NOW!?) sessions on weekends (Is this really a problem?) and less committed activities so that those on a high demand course can still participate with SU activities if they wish (I mean, I reckon most people can…).

Campaign for a permanent “quiet zone” (You should have a word with Anna up there. She’s rather loud) in the SU building.

Promote (What, to sergeant?) drop-in sessions for students to get advice on how they can get more involved with Activities! (Hah. Who does that?)

Vote Sophia for Activities! (I can’t. Sorry. I’m just here for the mockery)

Score: 5/10. I like the fact that each subsection spells out IDEA. That’s well thought out.

Simon Watters

Slogan

Watt you want for activities

Rating

5/10. You know, I thought I could do better with Watters, but I couldn't. So have 5/10

Manifesto

Improved communication between societies and the Activities Zone:

Timetabled drop in sessions (What’s this obsession with drop in sessions?) each week where societies can come and troubleshoot their problems (Have you tried turning it off and on again?).

Greater correspondance (Goodness gracious, great balls of correspondence) from the activities zone instead of just a weekly email,perhaps web chat for example(Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

A noticeboard where societites can post suggested improvements to Activities (I’m sure that won’t get abused)

More opportunities to get involved:

Encourage societies to involve postgraduate,mature,international and disabled students in their events and groups. (Do you think people just ignore them? Because that’s not happened in any society I’ve been involved in…)

Smaller activities fairs in October for those that missed out (What, like the new society fair that nobody goes to?)

Sub-fairs such as academic, faith,etc. (What, like the new society fair that nobody goes to?)

Heighten awareness of Sheffield Volunteering:

Publicity of volunteering events both at the Activities fair and throughout the year via the Activities zone (Aren’t they already pretty heavily publicised?)

Events such as the ‘Do it for you’ Day where all societies can contribute to volunteering.(What about these events?)

Allow societies more scope to develop their own ideas for volunteering. (Why is this a running thing?)

Score: 4/10. I nearly forgot to score you. See what I did there? FORgot? It’s funny. SHUT UP IT IS.

Sarah Boyle

Slogan

BOYLE: YOUR BEST BET FOR ACTIVITIES

Rating

1/10. All alliteration aside, you got a point for Boyle Best Bet. I mean, you could've had "Lance That Boyle" or something like that and ran around with a big lance.

Manifesto

Better SUPPORT for societies

Continue to DEVELOP THE ONLINE ACTIVITIES SYSTEM (WHY ARE PEOPLE SHOUTING ALL THE TIME) to make it easier to use and understand.(Hell, I had no idea we had an online activities system…)

Introduce a YEARLY EVALUATION form for societies to reflect on what they did well (What happens if we don’t do these?) and what they would improve on to enable future committees to continuously IMPROVE SOCIETY INNER-WORKINGS (Or, you could just train people how to do a handover…).

Expand on the current committee skills training by introducing more PRACTICAL SKILLS SESSIONS (What practical skills are you planning on? with a bigger focus on GETTING SOCIETIES READY FOR THE ACTIVITIES FAIR (I’m just imagining you channelling your inner BRIAN BLESSED for that)– the peak time for membership subscriptions, crucial for all societies.

Better ACCESSIBILITY

HIGHLIGHT (WITH CAPITALS) GIVE IT A GO sessions that are SUITABLE FOR INTERNATIONAL, DISABLED, MATURE AND POST GRAD STUDENTS (WHAT’S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT MATURE AND POST GRAD STUDENTS!?) in the programmes and work with their representative committees to ensure accessibility.

Provide more information and PROMOTION OF THE PARTICIPATION GRANT to ensure everyone gets involved with societies!(Isn’t the participation grant just for societies? I must be wrong on this)

Better COLLABORATION

Introduce an ACTIVITIES EXCHANGE (BRIAN BLESSED) where societies of different backgrounds can integrate (As in maths integration?) with each other and swap activities (What? Why would that work)!

Introduce more LARGE-SCALE SOCIETY VOLUNTEERING EVENTS (BRIAN BLESSED) like the “Do It For You Day” that gives childhood cancer patients in Sheffield the chance to try out a range of sports and leisure activities, which Sport Sheffield currently supports!(But they’re really not very good for the non-sport societies if I remember)

Work with Sheffield Hallam SU (They’re our rivals!) to develop a SOCIETY VARSITY (BRIAN BLE- okay I’m done) – not only sports teams want to compete against Hallam!

EXPERIENCE

Students Union Departmental French Councillor 2015/16

NUS National Conference Delegate 2016

Le Cercle Francais

President 2015/16

Welsh Soc Founder 2014 (I currently have to deal with making things work in Welsh and thus you lose a point for reminding me of this)

Sheffield Sabrecats Pom Coach 2013/14

Publicity Officer 2013/14 (What, just a random publicity officer? You’ve not publicised that very well)

Score: 4/10. You’re surprisingly not terrible.

That’s all for now! Check back for Education tomorrow!