So, this is a throwback. I began this last year, and I’m going to do it again this year. I’ll reformat the old ones first, before I begin the mockery of this year’s candidates.

Annie Gainsborough

Slogan

Gain more with Gainsborough

Rating

4/10. Surely there's something better than that.

Note: This candidate was the winning candidate.

Manifesto

GAIN a virtual presence for activities:

• Create an ACTIVITIES APP with information about societies and events (Wonderful. Who’s going to make this? Who’ll download it? Will it exist in a years time?)
• Run a VIRTUAL ACTIVITIES FAIR so opportunities aren’t missed by those unable to attend main fairs due to timetabling, disability, or other reasons (Wonderful. How are societies going to get added to that?)
• Live online Q&A WEBCHATS with societies, Activities Officer, Societies Committee and the Activities Zone Desk (Wonderful. Are these going to be at set times?)
• Improve the ONLINE society database and boost societies’ virtual presence through PUBLICITY VIDEOS (Wonderful. Who’s going to make these PUBLICITY VIDEOS. Does it need to be in capitals? What if I just want to make Publicity Videos? And how do societies like Backgammon Society make a nice publicity video?)

GAIN inclusivity:

• Help POSTGRADUATES, MATURE, DISABLED and INTERNATIONAL students GAIN access to activities (I know you only have a small amount of space, but really!? You could at least expand a bit. Also, congratulations for forcing the word “gain”)
• Develop a society INCLUSIONS ACCREDIATION scheme, encouraging ACCESSIBILITY and child care etc (This is a nice policy actually but again - how do you do that? What do I get to do accrediation? Is accrediation similar to accreditation?)
• Run a SECOND ACTIVITIES FAIR after postgraduate inductions nearer to Mappin, Jessop West, International College and City Accommodation (Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s going to cause absolute havoc. Have you seen the attendance for the New Society Fairs? They’re dismal)
• Help societies and representative committees COLLABORATE on events (Wonderful. How are you going to do that? I mean, BoardSoc have mentioned several times that people can “book” us for events but it never tends to happen…)

GAIN access to Volunteering

• Increase students’ presence in the wider COMMUNITY: (I love the idea, but…what?)
• Transform one-off VOLUNTEERING events into committee TEAMBUILDING days and society socials (Nice idea but you used TEAMBUILDING instead of TEAM BUILDING. Or the much more sensible Team Building. I wouldn’t touch that with a barge pole)
• Raise awareness of the variety of volunteering opportunities available with publicity VIDEOS (NOT ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED WITH THE USE OF PUBLICITY VIDEOS)
• Provide DROP-IN SESSIONS for SOCIETIES wanting to develop volunteering projects (Good idea, but most societies don’t want to develop their own volunteering projects from my knowledge)

Score: You have some really nice fancy ideas, but I doubt you’ll make any of them happen. 4/10.

Phillip Park

Slogan

Back the Beard- Phillip for Activities

Rating

0/10. That's not a pun. That's just a description of your face.

Manifesto

If you want an activities officer who already works to develop our societies… If you want an activities officer who is dedicated, determined and driven to back the interests of our students until the end… Then #BackTheBeard (DIE IN A FIRE NOBODY LIKES HASHTAGS) so we can…

BACK PARTICIPATION

I will back (Back count now at: 4) changing the Participation Grant scheme so students more from all backgrounds have access to activities.

How? I will back (5…)…

• Placing pressure on the university to substantially increase the Participation Grant funding. (Is that just money you get for running a society? That’s nice)
• Changing applications closing in November to being open all year round. (Wonderful idea! I’m sure the finance office will love you)
• Raising awareness of the scheme’s existence. (So… the participation grant is now the grant version of the Inclusions Officer)

BACK (6…) BIGGER AND BETTER

I will back (7…) expanding our society services. We already have the best Union in the country, with over 300 societies, but I believe we could do more.

How? I will back (8…)…

• Expanding Refreshers Fair and making it more focused on activities than companies. (Actually a nice idea. But considering how the Refresher Fair tends to be visited by 10 people…)
• Setting up fairs throughout the year in various locations (Ahahahahahahahahaha. That’s just silly)
• Working with the Events department to better support society events e.g. by creating a new intern position. (Oh good! Interns! They’ll solve all our problems!)

BACK (9…) EMPOWERMENT

I will back (10. This is a bit dumb now) student development within activities. As current Chair of Societies Committee, I understand and am committed to this more than anyone.

How? I will back (Really? 11!?) …

• Making training more accessible by creating short, online, interactive sessions available 24/7. (YES THIS IS A GOOD IDEA)
• Creating space for equipment by setting up a storage hub where resources can be shared and collaborative ideas ignited, saving time and money. (We have space for equipment. It’s just full)
• Collaborating with the university’s enterprise service e.g. to provide society specific business training and to forge links with local businesses. (Why do I need society specific business training!?)

Score: 8/10. You sound sensible.

Enrico Salvatore Brancato

Slogan

Enrico for Activities Officer

Rating

0/10. THAT'S NOT EVEN TRYING ENRICO. THAT'S JUST SAYING YOUR NAME.

My name is Enrico Salvatore Brancato (and I’m an alcoholic?) and I am running for Activities Officer position (Oh. It would have been a much more interesting way to stage an intervention. “Hey, Enrico. Run for the officer position! We’ll write your manifesto for you). Societies are not just extra-curricular activities to fill the day, joining one is a way to meet new people who share the same interests whilst meeting new friends from different backgrounds (Erm. That’s common knowledge). Joining various committees has helped me develop new skills (Such as?) and gave me an insight on how societies work within the union (such as?).

I am a 2nd year Aerospace engineering student and my experiences (Oh good! You have multiple experiences) are:

President Papercraft Society 2012/15

President Pokemon Society 2013/14

Treasurer Pokemon Society 2014/15

League and Tournament Organizer for The Pokémon Company 2013/15 (That’s actually sort of cool)

Co-organized two 24h inter-university events (Which ones?)

Teaching children and adults origami in various volunteering event (That sounds helpful)

Key policies:

More practical skills training

Introduction of design and website management for publicity and webmaster positions, and creative media use for posters, video and flyers for all. (FLYERS FOR ALL! THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FLYERS)

Promote collaboration between societies

The Collaboration fund was introduced this year to promote collaboration between societies. Monthly forums where various committees can meet up and organize different events can make collaboration easier and more fun (Collaborating is fun. Collaborating IS fun. ENJOY COLLABORATING OR I MURDER YOU). I will also try my best to make sure that all societies will benefit equally from the events. (Wha? How?)

Promote recycling of paper (Damn son, you know how to party hard) and other materials

Organise meetings on how to recycle used printed papers and other materials and try to use them in making decorations and gifts at the same time (Eh?) promoting creativity and environmental awareness in the union.

Score: 1/10. This manifesto is like me running for Activities officer and saying I’ll increase the visibility of board games.

Alex Monks

Slogan

Activities? That's Monkey's Business!

Rating

4/10. Meh.

Manifesto

• I intend to improve inclusions and societal collaboration through creating more skill swap days throughout the year. Having organised the Performing Arts Skill Swap (The what now?) at the start of this year I realise that a number of students want to get involved with that may have missed the sign up for societies at the start of Intro Week.
• By having a variety of societies sharing their talents through introductory workshops, students will get to try new activities and have fun with societies they may not previously have had any experience with, whether they are part of one of participating societies already or completely new to all of them! (You just described the Give It A Go scheme. Congratulations)
• I will look to create a database (A database doesn’t solve any issues and is pointless by itself) of equipment and skills to help societies get their events off the ground easier. By setting up a database accessible through the union website (Oh good, I was worried I’d have to walk to the union and interface with the database manually. With punch cards), students with specialist skills such as photographers, technicians, builders etc. can opt in to have their details accessible to societies that need specific support for their events (I mean, I see the point you’re trying to make, but why would I want that? What societies need that sort of thing?). Societies can also upload any equipment they have that they would be willing to lend to other societies (Oh jesus), which will save societies from spending money on equipment they may only need for a one-off event (THAT NEVER HAPPENS!).
• Many societies spend a lot of money on large or expensive equipment and then find they have nowhere in the Union to store it (If they do, it’s kind of their own fault for not thinking that through…). I will lobby the Union to get more suitable storage space available for societies so that activities can be easier for everyone! (I have no idea how you’ll find the space)

Score: 5/10. You were quick to do so I don’t hate you.

Julia Denton

Slogan

Denton will deliver

Rating

3/10. All alliteration aside, you could have worked a bit harder. I mean, you could have had "Denton will make a dent on sadness" or something.

Manifesto

I will:

Make society engagement easier by…

• Creating more opportunities to join societies after fresher’s week such as a re-fresher’s event where individuals can meet committees again (What society doesn’t let you join after fresher’s week!?)
• Having pick up points in the residences to walk together to the first event or ‘give it a go’ session (Oh good! I get to walk all the way to the Edge just to walk back)

Create better resources for society committees by…

• Providing advice and training for individuals thinking of running in an AGM (Already a thing)
• Creating an App with all relevant information in one place including Adopt a Charity, room bookings and event promotion and finance advice (So… the website?)

Build links with the local community by…

• Ensuring events/ sessions are at times that all students can make e.g. having evening sessions after 6pm (How does that help build a link with the local community? DO WHAT WE SAY OR WE WON’T BUILD A LINK WITH YOU)
• Getting community groups and charities involved with one-off events to allow a broader perspective of our city (How are you going to force that?)
• Building links between Sheffield RAG and Sheffield Volunteering to allow societies and individuals to fundraise and volunteer for the same cause (Already a thing)

Expand the Residence Life Programme (the what now?) by…

• Increasing awareness in all year groups so that more people can get involved in teaching and coaching (teaching and coaching what?)
• Creating a help forum with advice about how to look after yourself and housemates when living in a new environment, along with a recipes forum where students living in University accommodation can share ideas (Are you sure you didn’t hit the wrong button? It sounds like you’re trying to run for Welfare Officer)
• Making more event creation opportunities (What does that even mean!?) allowing skills to be developed for all students

Score: 3/10. You lost an extra point for being difficult to format correctly.

Jasmin (Jas) Davies

Slogan

All That Jas

Slogan

9/10. WE HAVE A WINNER.

Manifesto

Communication

I will promote more regular communication between the presidents and chairs of different societies (I’ve never needed to speak to another society…). Running a society is hard work and knowing there is a strong support system can make all the difference (Meh)! I would like to continue having an open Office Hour (Oh good! Mind letting people know when it is as well?), but implement bi-monthly group sessions for the leaders of each society and committee, categorised by type, to encourage the sharing of ideas and equipment. (Why would anyone want to go to those!?)

Training

Societies often become a support network for students going through a tough time. I would introduce voluntary training for committee members to better understand and help those facing family problems or mental health issues (Oooh, nice idea actually), giving everyone the information to access external or professional help where appropriate. (Also good. Well done)

Support from Day One

The incredible range and diversity of societies are part of what makes our Union the best in the country and I believe that new societies are the key to its sustained and healthy growth. It’s so important that everyone finds people with similar interests and one of the best ways to do this is by making sure that every single society is supported. I will support new societies by implementing a six week mentoring system for the new Presidents. (Who’s going to do the mentoring? The big societies? Big societies have a very different feel to the smaller ones…)

Room Bookings

I will implement an online aspect (Hah! Good luck) to booking rooms by linking the current method of a room booking card, with the card holder’s university email address. This will enable society members to book rooms by email if they are unable to visit Room Bookings during their limited opening hours.

Score: 7/10. Nice manifesto, and good pun.